Zombie Processes And Navel Gazing

While holding and gazing at the slice of organic navel orange, yesterday, I tried to take my time and focus on how the thin skin of the slice felt.  It reminded me of when I was a kid and used to peel that skin off and eat the pulp like individual fruits, themselves.  I contemplated the smell, and the mist of juice, when I bit into it.  I chewed slowly and enjoyed the experience in a way I realized I don’t do as often as I did a few years ago.

As mindful eating went from being a new thing, to being a part of my daily routine, I realize that I started getting mindless about my mindfulness.  Being a techie, it makes me think of the unix world, where a process on your computer is satisfied but still persists on being there, it’s called a Zombie Process.  That’s kind of how we get with our eating habits sometimes.  We finish what we need to eat, but we don’t stop there.  We just keep eating.  We’re on auto-pilot.

It made me realize I was still being more mindful of my eating choices and habits than I used to be, but less present in the actual eating of the food than I was at first.  I realize I needed to get back the old “Beginners Mind” outlook.

This “Orange Meditation” was performed as part of our first M.E.A.L.S. (Mindful Eating And Living Sangha) group.  I read from “The Apple Meditation” in Savor, and then joined in the mindful eating afterward.  While the above description sounds nice, rest assured that just as often as I was enjoying the Orange mindfully, I caught myself chewing and swallowing mindlessly.  BUT, the important thing is that I kept coming back.  That’s where the magic is, after all.  In that moment we wander, we gain the opportunity to come back again as well.

I recognized, in this first M.E.A.L.S. meeting, that I consider myself to always eat mindfully, but I really haven’t been.  Or, more accurately, while I almost always choose my food mindfully, and even eat with a degree of mindfulness, there is nothing quite like truly eating with full mindfulness of the experience.  I’m really, deeply, grateful that people expressed an interest in starting a group such as this, and I look forward to seeing how it brings me back to a deeper focus on my health again.  While I haven’t drifted far, it’s great to be re-energized around health matters again!

The Apple Meditation

ONE

What I want to write about here is so big and so complex, yet so simple that I don't know where to begin.  I think I'll start by saying that if you close your eyes, and sit quietly, bring your attention to your internal and away from the external...it is my hope that you will see - sooner rather than later - what I have seen.  That we are all connected, that there is no us or them, and that we are all ONE!

A beautiful human being that I am blessed to know gave me a journal.  It's one of several copies of the same journal.  Each has a piece she wrote at the beginning that explains how to utilize this journal.  It's far too involved to state the whole thing here, but her eloquent and wonderful idea boils down to having people pass these journals all over the world to friends near and far.  Each person writing a few pages on their idea of our Oneness.  Her idea is far more complex and beautiful that what I've just said, but that's the part that is important here.

So, with this in mind, I'm going to make an attempt to write my draft here, and then put it in her book and get it on it's way to another person.  I've been dodging this honor for well over a year because every time I try to think of what I want to say, my mind spirals out of control.  They say the mark of a great teacher is the capacity to express a deep teaching in a simple way, so that you understand it without an excess of explanation.  Thich Nhat Hanh is a master of this.  And so I will quote him here, and then go on to discuss the idea, thereby proving - I suppose - that I am not yet a great teacher.

No Mud, No Lotus.

When I first heard this, I loved it so much I bought the T-Shirt.  Really.

I also first understood it to mean something loosely like "You can't have good without bad."  And of course, this is exactly what it means.  But it also means far more than this.  Far more.  And nothing more.  See?  It's already beginning to spiral out of control with cryptic explanations that sound contradictory, but I assure you they are not.

A couple of years ago, after I had been practicing meditation for a year or so, I had an intellectual understanding of what you hear expressed in Buddhism as "Form is Emptiness, Emptiness is Form".  I understood this teaching of how there is no this, without that. How everything is in everything else, and yet it isn't.  Or how, as Thich Nhat Hanh would put it, when you look at a flower deeply you see that the flower is made up only of non-flower elements.  The flower is not a flower.  And yet it is a flower.  If you broke it down, you couldn't find the flower in the flower.  But about this time, I was walking one day for exercise, which doubled as walking meditation for me, when out of nowhere and for no particular reason I can point to, I stopped dead in my tracks staring at the sky like a dummy.

I had been struck, quite suddenly, with a deep insight or understanding BEYOND the intellectual, of what this means.  I can't even begin to explain this.  Better writers and authors than I have tried and not done a great job either.  The best I've read so far, is Brad Warner in his new book "There Is No God, And He Is Always With You."

I'll try feebly, here, to express it...but not too hard.  I simply can't.  I was walking, and practicing a nice teaching by TNH where he says to invite your ancestors (parents) to walk with you.  My Dad was a jazz musician and when I would do this, I would listen for the jazz in nature.  Not the regular sounds, the rhythmic sounds, but the irregular improvisational sounds.  The jazz.  The random dog barks.  The wind gusting.  The little kid screaming at her sibling.  Once I picked up on the music of non-music, I would invite my dad to hold my hand and walk beside me. I was listening for this biological jazz, when it hit me!

Jazz music, or actually all music, was a great way of expressing Form Is Emptiness, Emptiness Is Form.  Without the silence, notes would be noise.  Without the notes, silence would be noise.  Music is silence, silence is music!  Form is Emptiness, Emptiness is Form.

The moment I made this connection, the rest happened.  Like some kind of Hollywood special effect, but that only my mind was aware of (not something I could actually see), it was suddenly like a ripple went out from a stone dropped in a still pool of water.  As that ring expanded away from me, so did my clarity and understanding of No Mud, No Lotus.  Of our TRUE interconnected nature.

It is my direct experience that we are all connected to each other, to everything, everywhere, all at once, infinitely.  That's the most direct way I can say it, and I couldn't  have said that without hours of discussion with my best Kalyanamitra (spiritual friend) Kayla.  Without many dharma discussions in my Sangha.  Without countless podcasts, books and study.  And most recently without Brad Warner's best book to date.

The bottom line: As I stated at the beginning, if you slow down, sit quietly, and turn your focus to your internal experience - MEDITATE - I believe you will likely arrive at this same understanding.  You will likely see sooner or later that we can not afford, as a species, to continue living our lives as if our own endeavors are the only things that matter.  As if we have unlimited resources.  As if we do not need others to help us.  As if "we" are different from "them". As if, as if, as if.

We simply must awaken to this reality of Interbeing....return to our own TRUE experience...and begin living our lives according to the most basic truth of our existence.  That we are not "WE"....we are ONE.  If we do that, there is still hope for this world, and I fully believe that we will.

I hope that at the very least, this writing - feeble as it may be - will encourage you to think about this.  Encourage you to sit, maybe meditate, and to have faith, hope and love in the true nature of life as we know it.  ONENESS.

With the deepest respect for the meaning of the word, I say to you with absolute conviction - Namaste!

I love you,

GB

Emotional Chaos to Clarity - Exercise One

I've been reading the book Emotional Chaos to Clarity by Philip Moffitt with the Buddha Book Club run by my dear friend @DharmaApple.  Since I haven't been posting here much, and I have stuff that is too lengthy to post for twitter, I figured this might be a great place to post my process of working through the book.  This way, it will help me get back to writing here and - with any luck - perhaps it will help someone else discover some things that could help them on their own path from Emotional Chaos to Clarity.

Before I go any further, I should say a couple of things about my mindset going in to this book.  I like Phillip Moffitt a lot.  I discovered him one day while researching something and have followed him since.  I was very excited about his new book.  Once I saw what it was about, however, I admit to having a little trepidation.

I've read just about every self-help book & business productivity book on the market, I think!  When I started looking in to this book, it really seemed a lot like a business productivity book with a Buddhist slant (which makes sense given Mr. Moffitt's background.  He was a hugely successful business magazine editor before leaving that life and devoting himself to the dharma).  I thought a lot about this before beginning.  I had a lot of feelings of this book being too "self-helpy" for me.  I'm kind of done with those books.  Anyhow, after a great amount of consideration, I ultimately decided a few things:

• If I think I don't need clarity, that's probably a sure sign that I do.
• My thinking it is too self-helpy for me is probably me being judgmental.
• What do I have to lose? It's always good to refresh with a little "Don't Know" mind!

So, with that out of the way, I dug in to the book.  I am reading the eBook, and listening to the audio (only after reading it because a certain someone that rhymes with @SharmaFlapple says just listening to the audio is cheating!).  I'm actually really enjoying it this way, as it's a lot to soak in.  I'm reading it, and using that method for highlighting and study.  I'm going back to the previous chapters and listening to the audio after reading them, mostly just to soak in the info a little more, maybe pick up on some bits I didn't catch on my read.  I'm also doing the exercises in the book along the way.  

Often when I read books that have exercises in them, I either don't do them, or I do them randomly or maybe after reading.  This time, because it's part of the club and because we have plenty of time allotted for it, I'm doing them as I go.  Also, I heard early on that if you want to truly get the most out of the book, you needed to do the exercises.  So here goes....

Chapter 1 - Beginning Your Journey To Clarity - Exercise

After opening the exercise section with the above paragraph, Phillip Moffitt goes on to describe how he wants you to perform this basic, daily, mindfulness meditation.  Since I started my practice with basic mindfulness meditation, and return to it always as my primary practice, I am very familiar with how to do it.  Because of that, when I first read this exercise I blew it off as basic instruction that I already know how to do.  I posited that since I do this routinely already, there is no need for me to do this first exercise.  After reading several chapters, I started seeing the wisdom in approaching the book with the proverbial "beginners mind".  I went back and spent a couple of weeks of practice on this one.

Instead of just repeating the basic mindfulness meditation instructions here verbatim, I will just summarize.  But I highly recommend reading it, paying close attention to it, and spending a couple of weeks at least with just this practice - regardless of your current level of practice.

The author says (in a nutshell) to:

• Start by finding a comfortable place and position.
• Feel your body and recall your intention to be mindful.
• Notice tension in the body and relax with a few breaths.
• Turn your full attention on your breath and let it be your anchor throughout.
• Spend some time noticing all of the places in the body you feel the breath and find the easiest to stick with.
• When you mind wanders - and it will - return to the breath.  Do Not Judge!
• While following the breath, note the characteristics: Short, long, deep, shallow, etc.
• If your mind really gets stuck in planning - comment to yourself on what it is doing "Planning, planning" or "remembering, remembering"
• Be patient, be kind to yourself and start over.
• Start over.
• Start over.
• You get the idea.

He ends the first exercise instruction with this deeply important and (seemingly) mundane paragraph.  Read it several times and consider its importance:

I don't have anything remarkable to report with this exercise.  As I said, I do this all the time and it's a standard part of my practice.  If you have been reading my blog for a couple of years, you already know the profound impact this kind of basic meditation had on me.  It continues to do so.  The only important message I have for you on this first exercise is to DO IT!

If I were to boil it down even further than I did here, it would be like so:

• Sit
• Breathe
• Notice
• Start over, if you need to.
• Don't judge.

Sounds SO very simple, and it totally is.  But you have to do it long term, daily - even if only briefly - to realize the full benefit.  But you will, if you do.

I hope this helps.  It gets on to other much more (seemingly) interesting stuff, so stay tuned!

Warm regards,
MS

2012 State of the Samu Address

Previously on MondoSamu.com:

2010: I weighed 349 pounds.  I read "Savor" by Thich Nhat Hanh and Dr. Lilian Cheung.  I surprisingly, and rather effortlessly,  lost 110 pounds in 11 months by applying it's Mindful Eating, Mindful Living principles. Through "Savor" I was introduced to Buddhism.

2011: Having lost 110 pounds, I plateaued at around 240 and have stayed right around there.  I've continued my healthier lifestyle, as well as my Buddhist practice.  I had hoped to get some health matters handled such as getting a full physical, but I have found many excuses to postpone that one.

2012: And now, the rest of the story....

So, while I failed to do a couple of medical/health things I wanted to this year (so far) I'm extremely pleased with how my year has gone regarding my health and practice.  I am disappointed that I didn't blog more, and I apologize for that to those who enjoy reading here.  I'll try to do better this year.

First, in terms of my health - which is kind of the main focus of why I started this blog - let me update you there, as it's the short part of the story.  As I mentioned, I've leveled off and unless I reduce my food, or increase my exercise, I guess I'm done losing weight.  I still have a goal to lost about 20-30 more pounds, and I will definitely be focusing on that this year. (See the end of this article for my intentions for the coming Samu year)  As for me, I feel GREAT, and I'm happier than ever!  So health is doing well, and I WILL get the doctor stuff handled this year.

Now...the biggest thing that happened in the last year, and the reason for me not blogging as much, is the incredible deepening of my practice.  I said I was going to do it, but I had no idea how deep I would get with it!

First off, I used to post book reviews of various Dharma Books here.  I intended to continue that, and I still hope to do so.  The problem is that I got so deep in to reading them that I have read DOZENS, and before I knew it I was so far behind writing about them that I felt I didn't even really know where to begin.  I'll try to rectify that this year too!  They're one of the most helpful things on the blog I think.  So there was that.

Next, there was the plethora of Sangha's I visited in my travels.  I had the great and distinct pleasure of spending many sits in the presence of numerous loving and welcoming Buddhist Sangha's all over the country.  It was humbling, gratifying and helpful.  So helpful, in fact, that I finally launched one in my area!

After nearly a year of effort, I finally got enough people and resources together with a like mind to launch the Two Hands Sangha.  As a part of that Sangha, we have a steady Mindfulness Meditation Group that meets once per week.  It's hosted in the lovely home and garden of one of our members, and has been a great benefit to all involved, I think.  That progresses well.  I still want to have a secondary group, with a more Buddhist focus (as opposed to the more general Mindfulness group) but it will come.

Aside from the Sangha effort, I've also decided to start attending retreats.  I started getting serious about it, and all of a sudden, a couple of options for a 4 day Memorial Day Weekend retreat popped up.  One in the Thich Nhat Hanh tradition and one in the Against The Stream/Theravadan tradition.  I struggled over both as I love the teachings in each, but ultimately my wife prompted me to do the ATS retreat in Joshua Tree, CA when I shared my thoughts with her.

Joshua Tree, CA - ATS Memorial Day Silent Retreat

I was concerned about the extra time a California retreat involves (an extra day on each end for travel) and a few other things, but I explained to her that I wanted to do whichever one would challenge me the most.  After telling her all about it, she wisely (and lovingly) suggested I do the ATS one.  She was right! I'll do a separate post all about that retreat, but it was definitely the right choice.  While I love the Thich Nhat Hanh tradition, I think the effort I had to put in definitely made the ATS retreat more rewarding.  Anyhow, now that I got my feet wet with a 4 day, I've cleared the way to attend a week or so each year.  I'm really looking forward to that.

As a direct result of the retreat, I also FINALLY went full Vegetarian!!  I was lingering in the meat eater world because I couldn't get rid of chicken, but the exquisite vegetarian food and mindful eating on retreat finally gave me the strength and clarity I needed to push the rest of the way over.  I've been veg-only since May 24th!

Last, but certainly not least, I've had the incredible fortune this year to meet some of my Online Dharma friends in the real world and grow closer to that online Sangha.  I hope, in the near future, to write a post all about that Sangha (or #Twangha as I hashtag it on Twitter), but suffice it to say that I deepened my connections to that Sangha and it has had many, varied rewards for me.  This year I was fortunate enough to hang out in the "real world" with the likes of @DharmaApple (who attended the retreat I was on and has turned out to be a great friend), @Jacklope (One of the nicest guys ever, whom I consider a dear brother and friend, and even teacher at times), @MindOnly (a wonderful human being, if ever I've met one) and many, many more.....too many to mention them all here.  But that's been one of the greatest things for me. I've developed these deep, wonderful friendships thoroughly through the Dharma and it's SO rewarding in so many ways.  I'll explore some of that more in my future post on the matter.  In a couple of weeks, I'll be meeting an online Twitter friend who has already become like a sister to me, @KittyDew, and I can't WAIT for that!

I'm sure, after such a lengthy absence, I'm leaving something out, but I think that's enough for now.  SO...

My intentions for the next 12 months or so are:

• Remain vegetarian. 
• Attend a 7-10 day retreat!
• Continue to deepen my practice.
• Establish better personal health care (routine Doctor and Dentist visits)
• Re-Read Savor AGAIN and see if bringing a little focus back on to it will shed that last 20!
• Cultivate two personal, long-range, Dharma-work-related projects in the right livelihood area that I've in mind! (Ooooh, secret-y!)

So that's it.  I hope you'll hang with me in the coming year, as I explore even more!

_/\_

#RealHappiness 28 Day #MeditationChallenge 2012 - Review

Late in January, I decided that I would participate in the 2012 Real Happiness 28 Day Meditation Challenge after telling a host of friends that the Real Happiness book by Sharon Salzberg was a great way to help them start a daily practice but watching them struggle to do so. I figured it would help motivate them if they had a little company from someone they knew who was directly participating.

Having been practicing for almost two years now, and having read the Real Happiness book previously, I didn't think it was going to do much for me to participate in this thing. What I found was that just reading the book and actually participating in the challenge are two very different things!

From what I observed, this is for two reasons:

1) Doing is better than reading! I had read the entire book and had even practiced many of the methods or - more accurately - something close to them. The difference, this time, was doing them in a daily, planned fashion with guidance. This structure, I feel, translated to a lot of insight and benefit that I didn't expect. The challenge aspect and this structure compelled me to want to track my effort by writing about it.

The second reason I think the results of the month of dedicated practice was such a surprising help was...

2) Responsibility. The commitment to participate in the challenge and, more importantly, to write about it publicly gave me a sense of responsibility that helped me stay at it. While I already practice daily and don't require any additional motivation to practice, I think that writing about it daily made me stick strictly to the books practices rather than settle for ones I might prefer normally.

These two things provided a sort of motivation loop that kept running on its own steam, one step feeding the other, perpetually. So much so, that I'm a little sad to see it stop! But, then, that's a good reason to remember the most important lesson the month had to offer:

Start over!

#RealHappiness - Day 27 - Circle of LovingKindness

This one was the only meditation in the book that I found a little alien and uncomfortable. The only reason was this idea of imagining yourself at the enter of a circle of the most loving beings you can think of. I think the first clue that I need to practice in this manner was this uncomfortable feeling. The second was the very telling fact hat I had a hard time thinking of who would form this circle. The first couple were easy. Siddartha Gautama, Thich Nhat Hanh, The Dalai Lama and so on. I added a few other leaders of the world who were known for their compassion. They were easy because there aren't many. Then, I thought I would add some I knew personally. That's when the discomfort returned.

It's very easy to imagine the cheerful smile and goggly glasses of HHTD wishing me well, but when I thought of some of the people closest to me, I didn't think I could imagine them being purely loving toward me. This is disturbing because there are certain people you should be able to automatically count on for unconditional love. Right?!

The first sign of trouble was when my Dad popped to mind but my Mom didn't. I won't divulge the list, in it's final form, here but it was interesting enough that it bears my returning to it later to practice the LovingKindness meditations on the folks who didn't make the cut! ;-)

With my list complete, I settled in and began with breath meditation and some Metta phrases for myself. After a bit, I imagined the people of the circle giving me their full attention and loving regard. Some of those people are some of you reading this now. I envisioned the easiest one first. Sid. Can't imagine him having anything but loving regard for anyone, right?! Then Thich Nhat Hanh, HHTD and so forth.

You choose three or four phrases like the ones we've been using to have these beings offer to you. These should be big, broad phrases in their scope. Then imagine the beings in the circle offering you these phrases with all of their regard and love. I chose these:

May you be free of suffering.

May you be happy.

May you be at ease.

May you be at peace.

May you love and be loved.

The book warns that this may be uncomfortable, but I didn't find it so. Then it says to let whatever emotions arise pass through you without pursuing them. This is a little harder, but still was fairly comfortable for me, perhaps because of my daily practice. Perhaps it would be more difficult if I didn't already have a daily practice in place.

Simply practice this receiving of love from people wishing you love for as long as you like and when you are ready, you end the practice.

With this beautiful and simple practice, I brought the practices provided for the Real Happiness 28 Day Meditation Challenge to a close. Tomorrow I will practice a core sitting meditation while reflecting on the month.

_/\_

#RealHappiness - Day 26 - Lovingkindness While Walking

The practice Sharon provides for LovingKindness While Walking is a very simple instruction. Simply walk as you would for a walking meditation but instead of focusing on the movement of our steps and the breath, we focus on repeating phrases of LovingKindness to ourselves.

 

May I Be Peaceful. May I Be Happy. May I Be Safe.

 

As we walk, part of our attention will fall on our thoughts and part will fall on our surroundings. We can start by repeating the LovingKindness phrases for ourselves. As we go along, thoughts of other people may arise, perhaps someone we love or someone we have conflict with. When they do, offer them the phrases altered for them, then return to yourself.

 

May You Be Peaceful. May You Be Happy. May You Be Safe.

May I Be Peaceful. May I Be Happy. May I Be Safe.

 

Practice in this way as long as you like or for the duration of your walk. That's it!

 

Last weekend, when I performed this practice, I was out of town visiting friends. As I've mentioned, this trip provided a plethora of opportunity for various LovingKindness practice, much insight and some real healing and deepening of my understanding of this practice.

 

One such example was when I had the opportunity to walk with one of my old friends whom I had great difficulty with. During the walk, we talked a lot. When we weren't talking, I used the quiet to mentally offer us each the phrases above. Then, when conversation came, I found myself warmed to the task and able to talk openly about our past, our present, our families and so on with an open heart and warmth. It was really great for both of us. I highly recommend this practice. It's good for you inside and out, physically and mentally!

 

 

#RealHappiness - Day 20 - Meditation on Positive Emotions

Last night, I used the guided meditation Sharon has for week three (Titled: Meditation on Emotions) and then when that ended I spent the rest of my time calling up emotions from something that made me feel good.  She prompts us to get in to a comfortable position and then call up something such as time spent with our kids, or something we are very grateful for, etc.  I chose, as it was fresh on my mind, the positive feelings I got from a compliment a friend gave me recently.

This woman was one of my best friends in High School.  We were very close.  I was always attracted to the kind of person she was.  I always saw her as a very clear and bright soul.  She was just a very good person, deeply.  She had some crazy home life going on back then.  Her Dad appeared to be a very angry person, who turned out to have medical issues behind his behavior.  Many, many years later, they finally figured out what was up with him and got him on medicine that has changed his entire families lives.  But, anyhow, she went through some rough times back then and I was with her through that. I was one of the only guys she was allowed to have around, and I was her friend, brother and confidante. 

We lost touch, making contact only once in over 20 years.  That contact was over 15 years ago!  Then we lost touch, seemingly, for good.  A couple of years ago, she found me through a social media site and we reconnected.  She has an amazing family of her own now, with a talented son and loving husband, and she's grown in to the woman I always saw in her.  She's as awesome as ever.

Well, recently she had a birthday, and I sent her a private message telling her Happy Birthday and let her know how lucky I felt to have her as a friend after all these many years.  It was my way of letting her know how much I still appreciate that old friendship.

She responded by sending me a message telling me much the same.  She complimented me tremendously.  I won't share all that here, but basically she said I was always respectful and good to her and that she's happy to find I'm still that way.  Her response was heartfelt and really moved me, and for a few reasons.  With this fresh on my mind, I meditated on the good feelings about it.

I first called up the feeling from when I read the message, and just enjoyed the emotion of it for a few minutes.  Then I started examining the emotion from a little distance.  I looked at how I responded when I read it, and what feelings arose.  I found, to my surprise, that I was not only pleased by the compliment on a simply straight forward level, but also that I had some previously unnoticed  feelings of pride and shame that came up as well, very very faintly. 

I examined the pride, and why I felt it.  The reason I saw for the pride was fairly obvious.  I felt a little vindicated that I was perceived in such a great way, as though I deserved it and was glad to have it recognized.  Simply put, I saw it as validation.

Next I examined the faint feelings of shame.  These were actually a little more pronounced than the pride and also felt very connected to the pride.  I had to really sit, patiently  and observe the whole thing over a few times in order to identify it, but the shame was coming from the fact that I wasn't so much a gentleman in high school as timid.  It came from the fact that I haven't always lived up to the standard that she sees in me.  I wasn't the bold and assertive type back then, though I certainly am now.  Or, at least I wasn't where girls were concerned.  So every time my mind put forth the idea that I was a gentleman to her in high school, and still today, it also puts forth the notion that I was, and am, to her now but that in High School I certainly wasn't always a gentleman.  It tries to bring up other feelings and situations where I didn't live up to that standard.  It's very faint, but it's there.  Here's the immediate description of the feelings straight from my meditation journal following my sit:

"Heart-space is warm and full with a link to a feeling in my brain.  Another link from the heart-space goes to my throat which tightens.  Happy.  Negative thoughts that I'm not as good or have not always been as good as she sees me.  Overwhelming gratitude."

It was very interesting to experience this.  Even more, it was quite interesting to let this rise and go without attempting to tackle it.  We tend to sort of argue with ourselves all the time.  To correct ourselves and defend ourselves from ourselves.  For example, let's say you go out for a healthy lunch with some co-workers and afterward you're comfortably full and content, but the waiter asks "Anybody save room for dessert?"  And then this conversation might unfold in your mind:

"Ooh, that sounds good!"
"Yeah, but you shouldn't."
"Well, I did eat healthy for lunch…"
"Yeah but that's how you got to be fat in the first place."
"No it's not, I'm just big boned!"
"No you eat too much crap food!"
"No, I come from a big family, I can't help it!"
and so on….

This kind of mental exchange is all the mind, or ego, doing it's thing.  And the mind does it's thing, all day, every day unless you intervene.  This kind of meditation practice allows you to examine that process, without judging any of it, and just start to realize how each side of that conversation makes you feel, and where it all comes from.  Which, ultimately, allows you to let go of this type of thinking entirely.

Thich Nhat Hanh talks about "Watering the seeds".  He talks of how we have good seeds and bad seeds, and the ones you water will grow and bear fruit.  If you let this thinking go unchecked - as most of us do all day every day - then at best, both are watered.  In many cases the bad will grow like weeds and strangle out the good.  So he teaches us to water the good and let the bad seeds lie dormant.

This meditation, which Sharon provides very succinctly in Real Happiness, allows you to identify the good and bad seeds, and start to learn to water the good ones.

Even though I was a little vague on the specifics, this is a very personal post for me.  I hope that it helps you deal with your own mind, and take some of that out in to the world in your daily dealings.  As Sharon says, I hope it helps you:

"Bring this skill of gentle interest, curiosity, and attention to your encounters throughout the day.  Notice pleasurable or positive moments, even those that may be seemingly small."  ~ Sharon Salzberg Real Happiness

_/\_

#RealHappiness - Day 16 - Night of the Living Chi

Thursday, the 16th day of the #RealHappiness #MeditationChallenge, was my Tai Chi Class day. I went home after work, had dinner with the family and then headed out for Tai Chi. I didn't really want to go. I wanted to stay home in the quiet and read a book. That's how I knew I HAD to go. So I did.

 

I had a great class and then hit the cushion as soon as I got in the door at home. Normally, I would sit around for a bit first, maybe have some yogurt first. But this time I hit the cushion right away. And I was so glad I did!

 

My core meditation practice was extraordinarily calm and connected! I settled in quickly. Because, presumably of my Tai Chi, I was more calmed already than normal and certainly was more stretched out that I normally am before coming to the mat.

 

I floated (for that's the best way I can describe it) in my meditative state of awareness for the entire time. I was very...un-distracted...or...present I guess. It was fantastic in its non-remarkableness.

 

Anyhow, that was it...nothing terribly amazing to report and nothing troubling. This sit was exactly what most people probably think meditation is all about. Blissful. I hate to even say that word, because of the cliché connotation of it, but it was. Meditation, especially when you're new to it, is rarely like this I think. At least I don't know anyone who claims it to be so that isn't trying to sell you something to help you achieve it! It does happen though, and it is certainly enjoyable when it does. Just don't get attached to it!

 

See you tomorrow!

 

_/_

 

 

#RealHappiness - Day 15 - The Benefits Of Practice

Wednesday I practiced walking and sitting meditation.  For my sitting meditation I simply practiced my core meditation and it was as mundane and wonderful as usual.  But, I'd rather tell you about my walking meditation from that day.

It was unseasonably beautiful out on Wednesday in Atlanta.  I took full advantage and made sure I carved out the time for extra walking outside.  I got home, changed and hit the streets of my neighborhood.  I was filled with gratitude for the great weather and neighborhood walk, but I was also extremely happy to be getting back to my routine which has been sporadic lately due to travel and weather.

The subject of enlightenment is one of those strange topics that make people uncomfortable.  Some people brag about having "gotten" it, which tends to make me think they haven't.  Some demur when the subject comes up, which makes me wonder if they have.  And most describe enlightenment as the present moment.  Thich Nhat Hanh has said that enlightenment is simply being present.  He says that "Small enlightenment lead to large enlightenment."  Other teachers I've read and learned from say that enlightenment, or "enlightenment experiences", are when you gain true understanding of something you previously understood only as logic.  That it's all a gradual process of deeper understanding.  Specifically, for this post, I thought of Brad Warner when he talked of what might be considered his own enlightenment experience in "Hardcore Zen".  He said:

"I was walking to work along the Sen-gawa River, just like I did every day, when in an instant everything changed... ...But I can't really recall anything unusual, I was just walking to work."

Well, it was this deeper understanding that hit me like a bolt on Wednesday!  I was walking along, practicing my favorite walking meditation.  I was in the middle of some gratitude sayings, or prayers if you will, about my family when I got to my Dad.  I have this habit of listening to the sounds around me when I think of my Dad.  I listen for the "jazz" in the sounds around me.  The solo, I guess you'd say.  I listen for the part my Dad would be playing if the sounds around me were his band.  There's always something that rises out of it.  It's the lead sounds I'm listening for, never the rhythm.  Not the sirens, or cars, or cicadas.  It's usually the barking dogs, or kids playing or birds singing.  The things that aren't redundant. 

Anyhow, I guess my mind wandered for a second while I was listening for the jazz, when I slowed to a complete stop and stood there with my mouth agape.  Then - and this is where I won't be able to do a very solid job of explaining it - I suddenly gained an insight.  A clear, deep(er?) understanding of Shunyata.  And it came from relating it to music.  I realized that Music is not found in the notes, nor the space between them.  It's both.  Notes are spaces, spaces are notes.  Form is Emptiness, Emptiness if Form.

Now, this doesn't sound like any sort of great revelation and I've logically understood Shunyata (Emptiness) for some time now, but there is a difference between logical understanding and a true, deep understanding.  Most teachers I've read tend to describe "enlightenment moments" as achieving a deeper understanding than a "common logical" understanding on a subject.  They also caution, almost universally, not to get caught up in them and that they are no big deal.  But, as this happened to me, I suddenly gained a true deep understanding of emptiness and interbeing that spiraled through my mind starting with jazz. 

I simply can not explain it better than that, but I guess the shortest way I can try is to say that it was like I had a little idea about how music is a great analogy for Shunyata.  And then from that thought, it was like a doorway cracked open.  I peeked through, and got an even better look at the idea and how it related to Shunyata.  And that was when the door swung wide and I really grasped it all.

Then, as Brad Warner described so well in his book, I walked through the door, and kept going on about my business.  There's really nothing else you can do.

I feel I've done a really terrible job of explaining this.  Almost to the point that I don't feel this was even a worthwhile post.  But, hopefully, someone out there will understand it.  Maybe, with any luck, someone might even benefit from this sub-par explanation.  But most of all, the point of this post is not about Shunyata at all.  It's about Meditation and why a daily meditation practice is so important.  I've been doing this 28 Day Meditation Challenge to help some friends of mine kickstart a daily meditation practice.  When I try to explain to them the benefits of practice, they are so numerous, varied and wide-ranging that it gets hard to explain concisely.  This sort of stair-step deepening of understanding of the Dharma is one of the greatest benefits of meditation.

If anyone out there has any similar experiences, I would really love to hear about them publicly or privately.  Anyone?  Anyone?

#RealHappiness - Day 14 - Walking Meditation; Airport Style!

On Day 14 of the #RealHappiness #MeditationChallenge I hit the cushion after a LONG day of travel home from Ohio. But I decided that instead of writing another day of my Core Meditation, I would tell you about an alternate practice I did that also fit in with Sharon Salzberg's Week Two practices.

In Week Two, Sharon talks about Walking Meditation and gives us a nice guided meditation to use. She even gives some illustrated instruction if needed. I've been practicing walking meditation since the early days of my practice so this is old and comfortable territory for me, but I've not used Sharon's guided meditation until now. Also, my day of travel on Valentine's Day provided me with the perfect opportunity for it!

I've talked often of how much I enjoy walking in the Airport. Coming back to ATL I took the opportunity to listen to the walking meditation from Sharon as I walked the mile and a half or so from my gate to baggage claim. First off, the ATL airport is basically one big straight line. There's a train, but you can walk instead. If you choose to walk, you're treated to all sorts of interesting stuff. There's a segment that is filled with giant photos and artifacts and information about the history of Atlanta. There's a section of statues that are just amazing. It's really nice!

Most travelers never see these beautiful statues in the
Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport

Also, it's a great way to enjoy your travel rather than race through it. It kind of nudges you in to being more mindful and getting exercise all at once! Lastly, listening to the guided meditation added a nice component to it as well.

Give it a try…next time you visit the airport, try skipping the escalators, elevators and moving sidewalks. The trains and trams. Try walking from the entrance to your gate. Make sure you have the time to do it, and then just relax and enjoy. There's something almost perversely enjoyable about walking slowly and calmly through such a hectic and frenzied environment. And best of all, you'll be sitting for a flight anyhow…this helps you get your muscles stretched and warmed before all that sitting!

Let me know if you've done this and what your experience was!

Be well!

_/\_

#RealHappiness - Day 9 - Body Scan Meditation

I've had a daily meditation practice for close to two years now, so I was a little surprised by how helpful the #RealHappiness book, and indeed the #MeditationChallenge itself, were to me in the first week.  While I am already sitting, it is extremely helpful to practice these different methods and writing about it here has helped me consider the practice more as well.  So, going in to Week Two, I'm looking forward to the other various practices I'll be trying.

With that in mind, I worked around the Body Scan Meditation last night.  I knew going in to this one that I would face a challenge.  A while back, I went through a period where I switched from a sitting practice to a lying down method.  This created two issues for me.  First, when I went back to the cushion I found it extremely difficult to sit for very long at all without back pain.  It was as though I had started over.  I've worked through that, and I'm back to my normal 30 minutes of sitting per day now.  The other issue was that I would fall asleep at times.  Because I now sit in the evenings I am, of course, more sleepy.  It's far too easy when lying comfortably, to let the mind drift and then fall asleep. 

Knowing that I was very likely going to fall asleep, I made plans for that.  I used my Insight Timer App on the iPhone (one of the benefits I referred to yesterday of using technology to compliment practice) to keep me from falling asleep, or at least falling asleep for long.  I set up interval bells to alert me every five minutes.  I figured may not prevent sleep, but would at least allow me to "start over" as Sharon hammers home to us!

I was alert and scanned from the top of my head down.  My eyes, my face where I found a lot of tension and was able to release it.  And this is perhaps the true power of this kind of practice, or certainly a major benefit.  One thing I've learned with all meditation is that simply by observing or bringing your attention to a feeling, it will often simply dissipate.  If you have a painful feeling, sometimes just observing the feeling and acknowledging it makes it recede.  If you have tension in a particular area, often if you observe it, and maybe - as Thich Nhat Hanh teaches - view your pain the way a mother greets her crying baby.  The baby needs attention and she does not hate the child for crying, she cradles it and gives it attention and it immediately feels better.

I made it through without falling asleep, though I certainly drifted at times, but I just caught myself drifting, re-focused on the breath and began again.  It was a very interesting practice and I was happy to have done it.  I've only done a similar practice once before I think when I visited the Against The Stream Buddhist Meditation Society in Los Angeles where Pablo Das led a sitting meditation in which we focused on one area and then another, cycling through the body that way. I found that one much easier as it was sitting.

By the way, please keep in mind that I am experimenting with the various methods Sharon Salzberg offers in her book Real Happiness.  There's no requirement to do them in the order I am doing them or even to do them all!  For the Day 10 meditation I will be doing the Body Sensation Meditation.  See you tomorrow!

_/\_

#RealHappiness - Day 8 - Reflecting On Week One

Since yesterday was the eighth day of the 2012 Real Happiness 28 Day Meditation Challenge, I decided to follow the books lead and reflect on the first week.

After starting the book with some great information such as what meditation IS and what it is NOT, the first week of instruction in "Real Happiness" provides a gold mine of extremely important, deep, simple and very - VERY - useful information. 

At the beginning of the week, we started by talking about concentration.  Sharon talks a little about how we can't change the past, and can't predict the future, and about being in the present moment.  She talked about choosing a place to meditate, what to wear and a time to practice.  She talks about the posture, and how it doesn't have to be perfect.  About how the back is the most important part and how over time better posture will aid your practice.  She gives an overview of what the week will look like. And, finally, she leads us with some guided meditations and offers some variations of practice for us to work with.

At a glance, this all sounds very basic.  And while it is the basics, it is anything but basic!  It is fundamental information, but it's also things that you will use and expand on every time you sit.  Forever.  So I can't overstate how useful the basic info provided in week one can be.

• Meditation is not glamorous.  
• Your thoughts will drift.  
• When they do, come back to the breath.  
• Don't beat yourself up.  
• Just start over.  
• This IS the practice! 
• Don't get discouraged. 
• Mix up your practice.  
• Try different approaches.  
• Keep a sitting journal.  

All of these things, are supremely valuable and essential.
So, with all of this in mind, my Day 8 sit was a mixed bag.  I did the core meditation.  I followed the breath for a while.  I let go of thoughts for a while.  I did "Hearing Meditation" for a while.  I did Cradling the breath meditation.  I enjoyed it all.  I didn't choose this, I just let it happen.

One thing I would like to add here, is the use of technology.  This might sound a little strange when you're maybe picturing sitting with pillows and candles and bells and such, but I bring it up because toward the end of this section of the book, Sharon talks about keeping a Meditation Journal.  While I have an actual bell, I have found it much more useful in my practice to rely on technology for this.  I've reviewed in the past some of the meditation bell options, and there's been progress on many of them.  So I'd like to reference a few options here for you to consider.  I'm not promoting any of them, but actually use them all.  I am sort of waiting for new versions before writing any more reviews of them, so for now I just suggest trying them out if you have a smartphone or tablet and see if you like them.  More importantly, see if they HELP your practice.  They should AID you, not distract from your practice!

~ Meditate - Meditation Timer by SimpleTouch
~ Insight Timer - by Spotlight Six
~ Equanimity - Meditation Timer & Tracker by Robin Barooah

All of these are functionally great for using as a timer and bell(s).  The latter two also act as meditation journals.  Insight Timer is the least attractive, in my opinion, but the most functionality offering all of the above as well as a rather limited social media functionality (which if you are part of an online Sangha such as the Online Meditation Crew, makes it the most handy option).  The most important thing is that they all work very well to aid in timing and tracking your practice.

When I prepare to sit, I tweet my check-in to the #OMCru, I set the iPhone to Airplane mode to prevent interruptions and then I start my timer.  A bell rings to start me.  Three bells signal the end of the sit.  A journal automatically pops up for my entry then I turn on the phone and tweet my check-out.  It's painless, seamless and very, very useful to me.  I hope you will find it so, as well.

I look forward to the second week!

#RealHappiness - Day 7 - Letting-Go-Of-Thought Meditation

I decided to utilize the "Letting Go Of Thought" practice described by Sharon in "Real Happiness".  This is something I already do, pretty much since I started, but it's always good to approach it like it's new. Plus it never hurts to get different guidance on these things.

As meditations go, there's not much to tell.  I sat, I settled and I waited.  In the book, Sharon says to return to the breath any time you do get distracted, and that is exactly what I did.  For this kind of meditation, you will often hear people use some variation on the "Mountain and Clouds" or the "Sky and Clouds".  One that I have used often, and to great effect for me personally, is:

"Breathing In, my mind is the great blue sky.
Breathing Out, my thoughts are the clouds that pass by."

I am pleased to say that I wasn't too often distracted (probably because I've practiced this considerably) but I still found myself pursuing a random thought now and then.  This is perfectly normal, and happens less with time. When I did, I simply took a moment and re-focused on the feeling of the breath entering my nose and exiting.  Sharon gives really good, very simple and clear instruction on this in the book.

"We release a thought or a feeling not because we are afraid of it or because we can't bear to acknowledge it as a part of our experience, but because in this context, it is unnecessary.  Right now we are practicing concentration, sustaining our attention on the breath." ~ Sharon Salzberg "Real Happiness"

I did this for 20 minutes and it was, as it usually is, very calming and peaceful.  The last 10 minutes of my 30 minute sit, I was more distracted.  Or, not distracted so much by stray thoughts I followed, but more deliberately I started pondering specific thoughts.  Intentionally, I guess.  For me, sometimes, this happens in meditation where I will suddenly start pondering some thing, usually a problem I've not solved, and my mind will decide that the time is right to solve it.

So, for the last 10 minutes of my sit, I pondered a couple of issues on my mind.  Rather than letting go of these, I decided to sort of let my mind do it's thing and work on these problems.  Not really letting go of the thoughts, but rather sort of observing the solution taking place without interfering. It's rather hard to describe, but there ya go. 

The bell rang, and I was somewhat energized from my sit.  I ended up staying up later than planned as a result.  Not a bad thing, just a thing.

How was your first week of the challenge?

#RealHappiness - Day 5 - Gratitude!

Sunday afternoon is when the Two Hands Sangha meets for it's weekly meditation group. Day 5 of the challenge happened to be our Sangha meet day, so I rolled them all in to one.

In the week leading up to our gathering, I had picked up on a few loose ends of conversation and such. The theme that seemed to rise out of it all was Gratitude. I had heard each of our members expressing gratitude in various ways and for various things as well as missing opportunities to be grateful, including myself.

So, on Sunday morning, I found myself with a little free time and used it to try to sew those loose threads together for a talk on Gratitude. I was looking for some poetry about Gratitude and I stumbled across a fantastic article that not only included various quotes and poems on the subject, but a TON of other great insight on incorporating Gratitude in to our daily lives.

The article, by a gentleman I was not familiar with (Phillip Moffitt), was PERFECT for my needs. I ended up highlighting sections of it to discuss and had so much material that I really had to prune it down to fit it in the time frame we had.

Anyhow, once I found that incredible selection from DharmaWisdom, all I needed to round out the group meet was a nice guided meditation on Gratitude. I reached out to my #Twangha (all my Twitter Sangha from all over the world, including the #OMCru - Online Meditation Crew) and asked if anyone had a suggestion. Kayla Hewitt, a great young aspiring Dharma teacher, immediately reminded me of Gary Sanders recorded meditation on the topic. It was PERFECT!

So, we had our 20 minute guided meditation, followed by a beautiful 10 minute walking meditation in the gardens (Which was so lovely one member didn't even hear the bell and ran a little long enjoying the trees) and finally another 15 minute silent sit. We wrapped up with the reading from the article, and some discussion. It was truly a beautiful way to wrap up the weekend and I was FULL of gratitude for our wonderful little Sangha and my amazing #Twangha. 

If you don't belong to a Sangha yet - and perhaps if you're participating in the RealHappiness challenge, you might not - I would definitely encourage you to seek out one in your area. If you have good ones, that's a great thing to be grateful for! If you don't, start one and be grateful for that! ;) Best of luck with this practice, and may we all be at ease!

#RealHappiness - Day 4 - It was a good day!

In the words of the infamous sage Ice Cube, "I got to say it was a good day."

Yesterday my little Sangha had a field trip to a local spiritual book store, followed by a wonderful lunch at the World Peace Cafe run by a local Kadampa Buddhist Sangha.  My little girl got to know my Sangha mates and really connected with one of them deeply.  Following that, my wife took her to a hockey game giving me some free time which I used wisely.

A part of that wise use of time was to meditate for my fourth day of the 2012 Real Happiness 28 Day Meditation Challenge.  With the house, uncharacteristically, all to myself I prepped for my meditation (having added my new candle holder to my alter) and got started.  Or got stopped, I suppose, depending on how you look at it. ;)

Anyhow, it was very interesting.  First off the house was so unnaturally quiet that I could hear my body (sorry if this sounds gross) digesting my dinner.  So I sat with that.  For some indeterminate amount of time, I followed the sounds and sensations of my body turning my dinner in to fuel, and I observed the feelings and thoughts that came with it.  I offered gratitude for the process.  I've never done anything like this before and it was very interesting.

Eventually, I sort of fell away from that and stopped meditating long enough to launch a recent guided meditation and talk by Gary Sanders on Karuna.  Thus, I ended my fourth day of the challenge, having gained insights on compassion from Gary.  If you're not familiar with Gary, check out his blog, or follow him on twitter.  He's recently started recording his talks and meditations and has a handful of very nice ones to listen to.

See you tomorrow!
_/\_

#RealHappiness Meditation Challenge 2012 - Day 3

After a busy Friday at work, and a hectic evening, my wife reminded me at nine that I was normally sitting by then.  I hurried off to the bedroom, to the cushion, tweeting my check-in with the #OMCru on the way.  By the time I got settled on the cushion it was 9:03pm and I was really glad to be meditating.

I listened to a short guided meditation from the Real Happiness book, and when it ended I just sat following the breath.

It was a peaceful, uneventful sit with my attention drifting from one are of my body to another and observing.

Before I knew it, my timer bell went off and I was done.  Some days it goes by quickly like that.  It's almost hard to believe that 30 minutes has passed.

How's your Real Happiness Meditation Challenge going?  I'm interested to hear.  I hope you're finding the challenge beneficial so far.  Please remember the meaning of the name for this blog: 

Mondō: "questions and answers"; a recorded collection of dialogues between a pupil and teacher (I consider us all to be both)

Samu: Work service (in the sense of sutra service); meditation in work.

 

 

Right now, #RealHappiness is like this.

My daughter has recently started meditating with me for 5 minutes at a time. It makes me unimaginably proud to see her sitting by me in perfect, simple meditation. So funny that kids take so very easily to it. Obviously, for them, the hardest part is sitting still but the posture and instruction comes very easily. Anyhow she's started sitting with me for five minutes, now and then, before bed. Once she goes to bed, I usually do my full 30 minute sit.

Last night, on day two of the Real Happiness 28 Day Meditation Challenge, she was up far too late. She insisted that she wanted to meditate with me, which I thought was just a stall tactic for bedtime. She had already gone to bed and just wasn't asleep yet. I told her that I would meditate first and she could come in afterward if she was still awake. I expected she would fall instantly and deeply asleep as usual.

To my surprise, she did not. She called my wife while I was about half way through my meditation, and asked her if she could come sit with me. My wife quietly brought her in, and they sat together behind me, while I finished up.

So, Day Two of the Real Happiness Meditation Challenge was not as smooth as I would like for it to have been. But that's the practice. It simply IS whatever it IS. As my awesomely inked buddy Gary Sanders' tattoos (and blog) say..."Right now, it's like this."

Right Now, It's Like This

Sharon says, in Real Happiness, that whatever comes up you just sit with it.  Her guided meditations for the first week of the four week challenge are packed with extremely great, and simple, advice.  Very important things, such as a visualization that has helped me tremendously over the last couple of years where you imagine your thoughts as clouds and you as the sky.  The clouds come and go, but the sky remains still.  As she says in the book:

"If you get tangled up in thoughts, release them and start over. If you feel bored, or panicked, start over. If you can’t sit still, start over. If one day this week you just can’t find the time or the will to meditate, start over the next day." ~ Sharon Salzberg 'Real Happiness'

I would add that "If your wife brings your daughter in during your meditation, give a prayer of gratitude for how fortunate you are and start over." :)

So don't worry so much about your posture being perfect, or the noises, or the interruptions. Just sit. Daily.  And start over.

Sharon Salzberg's Real Happiness 28 Day Meditation Challenge 2012

"I am spiraling backward through space, and my "self" is not coming along for the ride!" was the first thing I *thought* during last nights meditation.  Of course, as soon as I *thought* it, I snapped back to *normal*.

I read Sharon Salzbergs "Real Happiness" several months ago, and liked it a lot.  I found it to be down to earth, simple and very useful for anyone new to meditation or looking to refresh on the basics.  I had already been meditating for almost two years, so I can't say the book was new information for me.  I already have a daily practice, and I think the book is primarily aimed at someone looking to get started and build the habit of a daily meditation practice.

That said, I really liked the format of the book, and I immediately bought a copy for a friend who had just started thinking of meditating.  I had it drop-shipped to her and she LOVED it!  She really found it to be a very easy to read and accessible book.  She's not a Buddhist, and is completely new to meditation, so this was a great review coming from her!

I've since recommended it to all of my fledgling Sangha members who are trying to get a regular (regular being the key word) practice going.

Two Hands Sangh

Anyhow, last night was the first meditation I had in February and I decided to take part in the challenge.  It was interesting and boring as usual.  I sat down at 9pm, checked in with the #OMCru (Online Meditation Crew) on Twitter, then launched my Insight Timer app on my iPhone and began my sit.

Almost immediately I had one of those interesting little events that one can experience.  As mentioned at the opening of this post, I felt as though I was spiraling backward through blackness, or space, in a slow lazy spiral.  In my mind, I could sort of *see* my thoughts - or at least what I perceived as my thoughts - staying where *I* was.  It was a very strange thing that I have not experienced before.  But the moment I noticed that this was happening, and thought "COOL!" the whole thing slowly evaporated leaving me just sitting there with my eyes closed watching my thoughts come and go as usual.  Oh well.  One of the things I have read in nearly every book on the subject is not to get attached to these odd little things.  They are just part of the mind and ego doing it's thing.  Or, as Jack Kornfield's teacher Ajahn Chah told him (from a story in "Bringing Home The Dharma") "Good.  Something else to let go of!"

The last half of my sit went by with the usual monkey mind and mindfulness and when it was done, I decided to post a quote from the book "Real Happiness" on my Tumblr site and I also decided that I would blog daily here during February about my daily practice.  I imagine most of the posts will be a lot shorter, as my sits are usually more mundane. 

Mostly, I hope that anyone reading this might have some curiosity about meditation and choose to join the Meditation challenge.  Just because you're late, doesn't mean you can't start!  Much more important than the challenge, however, I would highly suggest the book, and I would also HIGHLY suggest finding support wherever you can and getting a daily practice going.  The Online Meditation Crew is a PHENOMENAL resource for support, especially if you don't have anyone to practice with in the real world.  The folks in the OMCru are more than willing to welcome you and support you with tweets or Facebook or G+ posts.  I've made some great friends, even *IRL* friends through it, and it's an invaluable resource you can tap in to for support.  If you do take the challenge, and you do use Twitter - perhaps in conjunction with the OMCru - be sure to use the hashtags #RealHappiness and #OMCru to find all the folks doing the same!

So…go to the site, sign up for the challenge, and don't just do something…SIT THERE! ;-)

Five Spare Tires

(I apologize in advance for the crazy length of this post.  I've written and re-written it many times.  I've been struggling to write it and to express what I have to say.  Ultimately, I made the decision tonight to just put it up and be done with it.  I'm sorry it's so much, but it's my great hope that someone out there will find it motivational and that it will encourage them to find their way.  If you're that person, looking for a way, then read on!)

You ever try to visualize what weighs the amount of weight you have lost, or want to lose?  For most folks it would be a small hand weight.  Maybe a good sized bag of dog food.  Here's a short list of items that weigh the same as how much I have lost.  Try to visualize these things, and carrying them around with you, in your head.

~ ONE WHOLE FRIEND OF MINE!
~ THREE of my four year old daughter.
~ FIVE 20 pound bags of Dog Food.
~ FIVE SPARE CAR TIRES!!!
~ TWENTY average bags of potatoes!

 You get the idea.  It's a LOT!  I don't point this out to pat myself on the back, but to illustrate how CRAZY it is that I was walking around with all that extra weight!  It's easy to look in the mirror and just see your "self".  But I promise you that if you look in the mirror while standing next to a stack of five car tires, it really drives it home what you are doing to your body!!!

On July 3rd, 2010, I stepped on the scale as I left the house for a vacation.  I was dismayed by the digits it reported.  THREE HUNDRED FORTY NINE POUNDS!  You can read all about that day by clicking here.  I'm not sure exactly when during this day I vowed to do something about my weight, but I did.  I swore I would never hit 350 pounds.  That's when I discovered "Savor" by Dr. Lilian Cheung and Thich Nhat Hanh.

By the time I finished reading "Savor" I had stopped the train, and thrown it in to reverse.  That train had been gathering momentum for over four decades, so it didn't happen instantly.  It slowed.  It stopped.  It switched gears.  And then, with a shudder, it lurched ahead, back the way it came.  The weight started coming off that first day.
My initial goal, to lose 100 pounds, was randomly chosen just based on one simple thing.  I asked myself what it would take to make me feel like I had a fighting chance of living a healthy life.  At 349 pounds, 249 sounded like a dream, but it also sounded like the most I could weigh if I wanted to live long enough to enjoy my family, watch my daughter grow up, and all the other things I would like to do.  Anything more felt like failure to me, and felt like not being serious about it.  ALL I was really after was survival, which at the time I was seriously starting to question my chances of.

I've blogged before, often, about the various tools I have used to lose weight and assist me on this journey.  The primary app I have used is LoseIt!  When I started using it, it asks if you want to lose 1 pound a week, or 2.  I chose 2 and it calculated that I would hit my goal in one year. Unfortunately, I didn't make a note of what day that would be.  I've always assumed my "start" date as July 3rd, when I saw my 349 pound weight.  In reality it was around July 23 from what I can tell in LoseIt!'s web site.

At first, the weight was coming off incredibly fast at several pounds per week.  Then, once I lost about 60 pounds or so, it slowed to a few pounds, and then a couple of pounds per week.  Ultimately, toward the end, there were some weeks where I didn't lose any at all, and I started wondering if I would hit the goal on time.  What was happening is that my goal was nearing the end, so the calories were pretty
well balanced out with what I was burning.  Ultimately, it took me about 11 months - almost precisely - to lose 100 pounds!  I can't even pretend not to be pleased with myself here, so forgive me that little self indulgent pat on the back now.

So here I am, at about 248 as I write this, and I am definitely still very much over weight for my size.  Don't get me wrong, I look and feel GREAT compared to where I started but I still need to shed a little more.  When considering future goals, I decided not to have any.  What I have found is that throughout this process, I have lost weight without much effort (more on that later).  Since I'm not on a diet, and I'm not doing anything specifically special to lose weight, I decided that I might as well just keep going with what I am doing.  The weight has already leveled off considerably, and I figure if I just keep up the efforts I am making, the weight will come off - or it won't.  Either way, I win.  At some point my body will be at a naturally comfortable weight, and meanwhile I can focus on starting to exercise a little more than my current walking and Tai Chi Routine.

People seem divided in to two camps immediately upon hearing that I have lost so much weight. One faction immediately assumes I'm on some crazy diet.  They can't believe when I tell them I eat whatever I feel like eating, that I finish every night off with a big bowl of frozen yogurt and that I'm NOT on any sort of diet, per se.  The other faction is of the mind that I have super-human strength and will-power, neither of which could be further from the truth.  When they say "yeah, but you're the most strong-willed person I know" or "you have such tremendous dedication" I always have weird reactions emotionally.  I get simultaneously insulted and proud.  Proud, because it feels good to hear this and I like to think it's a little true, although it's really not very true.  Insulted because it's so NOT true that I get a little offended I guess because I'm not getting credit for the proper thing.  They are crediting me with having the will-power to resist eating poorly, but they should be giving the credit to Mindfulness.

When I tell them "Mindfulness", in answer to their inevitable "How are you doing it?" question, they always look at me a little funny and immediately dismiss me as a crackpot, or so it seems to me.  They almost look like they think I'm about to sell them something.  In fact, that's EXACTLY what they think.  Bottom line though, I lost this weight by doing many things, but especially by being mindful as taught to me by Dr. Lilian Cheung and Thich Nhat Hanh in "Savor".

The secondary thing I credit my success to is watching my calories closely which can be done in any number of ways.  The way that worked best for me (and I tried MANY) was the LoseIt! app.  It's worth noting that the app improved massively over time, and especially improved it's web site over time.  The web site can be used FULLY without a phone, so it's really great now for anyone (not just us iOS users). I fully believe that if you use mindfulness, the rest will fall in to place naturally and organically with little to no effort.  The effort will come from trying to implement mindfulness which, to the degree that I have so far been mindful, was fairly easy for me.  When asked, I tell people (to their absolute and utter disbelief) that it was no effort at all.  My standard answer to "How did you do it?" is always the same - "Mindfulness".

While I am not a doctor, and have no authority with which to offer anyone advice on weight loss, I CAN speak to how it worked for me, and that is it.  One of the things I love about Buddhism is that it discourages you from believing what someone else tells you is true, and encourages you to experience it for yourself and then decide if it is true.  "Be a lamp unto yourselves", the Buddha allegedly said in his final moments, directing us to seek the knowledge from within, rather than from external sources.  Or, for you Christian readers, perhaps another way to say it is "The Kingdom of God is within".  Either way...try mindfulness out, and see if it works for you.

It's obvious (and if not I've written numerous blog posts about it that will explain) why I decided to lose this weight.  But what I would rather talk about is the not so obvious reasons why.  I'm grateful that I have lost this weight because:

~ I might live longer
~ I have already become a significantly better father.
~ I like to think I am a better husband.
~ I have confronted the one thing in life I've always felt powerless to defeat.
~ I have gained control over my eating habits.
~ Countless other reasons I can't begin to list.
~ I am more aware of life, and each moment it offers.
~ Perhaps most of all, I'm extremely grateful to have discovered Buddhism through this most unexpected of paths.

So, in summary, Please - If you want or need to lose weight, but think you can't do it - go get a copy of "Savor" and, well, SAVOR IT!  Read it, absorb the information, read it again.  Then just DO IT!  Start with the Apple Meditation and then repeat that type of mindful eating each time you sit down to eat.  You will not succeed every single time at being completely in the moment, but when you are not, just re-focus the next time.  And repeat.  And repeat.  And repeat!  Before you know it, you will be well on your way.

Savor every moment of life that you are fortunate enough to have.  If you do this, I am walking evidence that you WILL lose the weight, and it's NOT some impossible goal that only that other guy over there has figured out how to do because he's some super strong willed guy.  And it's not something that only that other girl over there can do because she's on some crazy fad diet.

But don't take my word for it.  YOU already know exactly what to do, you just have to be mindful so that you know when to get out of your own way, and let your brain and body take care of themselves properly!  You'll likely find that they will.

Best wishes and warm regards to you in your efforts!  And special thanks to all the folks who rooted for me!  It was a big help, and you know who you are!

MS