::Check, Check...check 1...1,2,3....is this thing on?::

I'm baaaaaaa-ack!

So, it's been just over two years since I felt compelled to write here. Up until a year ago, I was doing excellent work to my ongoing health.  Keeping all the weight off, still effortless. I was eating healthy and exercising.

Then my truck broke down. Returning to being a one car family, my exercise immediately suffered. It became sporadic. My eating continued very well, but as anyone who ever tried to lose weight has heard, you have to "eat right, AND exercise!"

As my exercise tapered off, my weight crept on. Not a lot, but more than I wanted. Slowly it climbed and recently it started to bother me.  Not the weight, actually, but the desire to maintain my health and the seemingly endless failures at trying to do so. I kept promising myself I was back at it, then slept in instead of walking. I swore I would go after work, and even packed clothing and changed for a walk, only to find myself at home not having gone to the park.

My view of all this has really been receiving a lot of my attention this last year as I've worked and practiced in the Refuge Recovery community.  I've definitely come to understand addiction much better, and how my food habits always have been tied to this.  But that's a lengthier topic for another day.

Today, I just wanted to post that I recently bought a Fitbit Charge HR and, thinking I was going to find it useless, I have been pleasantly surprised by the enjoyment, utility, and reinvigorating energy it has summoned in me.  Tonight, for the first time in too long I went for a good long walk, MINDFULLY. I've been walking sporadically as mentioned above, but this was the first time I revisited my old practice to the letter. I "invited my ancestors" as TNH says. I used it as a meditation, and I reveled in it.  And I asked myself..."How did I ever let this slip?"

I'll ponder the answer another day. Tonight I'm enjoying the rediscovery.

Zombie Processes And Navel Gazing

While holding and gazing at the slice of organic navel orange, yesterday, I tried to take my time and focus on how the thin skin of the slice felt.  It reminded me of when I was a kid and used to peel that skin off and eat the pulp like individual fruits, themselves.  I contemplated the smell, and the mist of juice, when I bit into it.  I chewed slowly and enjoyed the experience in a way I realized I don’t do as often as I did a few years ago.

As mindful eating went from being a new thing, to being a part of my daily routine, I realize that I started getting mindless about my mindfulness.  Being a techie, it makes me think of the unix world, where a process on your computer is satisfied but still persists on being there, it’s called a Zombie Process.  That’s kind of how we get with our eating habits sometimes.  We finish what we need to eat, but we don’t stop there.  We just keep eating.  We’re on auto-pilot.

It made me realize I was still being more mindful of my eating choices and habits than I used to be, but less present in the actual eating of the food than I was at first.  I realize I needed to get back the old “Beginners Mind” outlook.

This “Orange Meditation” was performed as part of our first M.E.A.L.S. (Mindful Eating And Living Sangha) group.  I read from “The Apple Meditation” in Savor, and then joined in the mindful eating afterward.  While the above description sounds nice, rest assured that just as often as I was enjoying the Orange mindfully, I caught myself chewing and swallowing mindlessly.  BUT, the important thing is that I kept coming back.  That’s where the magic is, after all.  In that moment we wander, we gain the opportunity to come back again as well.

I recognized, in this first M.E.A.L.S. meeting, that I consider myself to always eat mindfully, but I really haven’t been.  Or, more accurately, while I almost always choose my food mindfully, and even eat with a degree of mindfulness, there is nothing quite like truly eating with full mindfulness of the experience.  I’m really, deeply, grateful that people expressed an interest in starting a group such as this, and I look forward to seeing how it brings me back to a deeper focus on my health again.  While I haven’t drifted far, it’s great to be re-energized around health matters again!

The Apple Meditation

M.E.A.L.S. - Mindful Eating And Living Sangha

In 2010 I started this blog to capture my process of learning about Mindful Eating and Mindful Living (from the book Savor - Mindful Eating, Mindful Living by Dr. Lilian Cheung and Thich Nhat Hanh).  I lost over a hundred pounds, and became a vegetarian, and a Buddhist.  All of which have dramatically enhanced my life and, hopefully, some of the lives I touch.

Once the weight came off, and stayed that way, I kind of drifted away from this blog.  That’s mainly because I had written primarily about my weight loss and not so much about Buddhism.  When my life focus turned from weight loss to maintaining weight and exploring buddhism, I didn’t feel I had as much to write about.  Or, more accurately, I didn’t feel qualified to write about the things I was deeply experiencing at the time.  I was in a deep period of learning and exploration (and I still am) but over these past few years I’ve started a couple of Buddhist Sangha’s and participated or helped run several other groups of various kinds and I’m sort of feeling like I’ve come a bit full circle in a way.  I feel like if I re-read Savor (this will be something like my 4th time) I’ll get a whole different perspective on it now that I’ve been a Buddhist practitioner for a handful of years and because I learn best when I'm explaining or teaching others.

This time, I’m not only practicing the teachings from the book, but I’m helping others do the same.  I’m starting a group, local to me, that will study the book.  Sort of like a book club, but deeper than that.

I'm calling it M.E.A.L.S. - Mindful Eating And Living Sangha.  And I’m extremely pleased to have the support of Dr. Cheung as I launch this effort.  She’s always been supportive of my efforts personally, and when she heard that I was thinking of this, she offered some guidance and some incredibly kind words of support.

The year-long group will meet every other week and will:

• Recite the Five Contemplations
• Share a Mindful Eating Experience
• Read and discuss the book Savor
• Practice Mindful Movement

My hope is that this year-long grassroots-group exploration will deepen my own practice further, help others establish mindfulness as a way of healthy living, and - hopefully - encourage them to go out and spread the practice through starting similar groups the following year, and so on.  If successful, it could see a viral growth since those who complete the year, may hopefully create groups of their own and repeat the process, again and again.

I’ll try to get back to posting here along the way to track the progress of this endeavor.  When it’s done, I hope that this blog can serve as a blueprint for those who wish to replicate this process.

Best wishes!
_/|\_

ONE

What I want to write about here is so big and so complex, yet so simple that I don't know where to begin.  I think I'll start by saying that if you close your eyes, and sit quietly, bring your attention to your internal and away from the external...it is my hope that you will see - sooner rather than later - what I have seen.  That we are all connected, that there is no us or them, and that we are all ONE!

A beautiful human being that I am blessed to know gave me a journal.  It's one of several copies of the same journal.  Each has a piece she wrote at the beginning that explains how to utilize this journal.  It's far too involved to state the whole thing here, but her eloquent and wonderful idea boils down to having people pass these journals all over the world to friends near and far.  Each person writing a few pages on their idea of our Oneness.  Her idea is far more complex and beautiful that what I've just said, but that's the part that is important here.

So, with this in mind, I'm going to make an attempt to write my draft here, and then put it in her book and get it on it's way to another person.  I've been dodging this honor for well over a year because every time I try to think of what I want to say, my mind spirals out of control.  They say the mark of a great teacher is the capacity to express a deep teaching in a simple way, so that you understand it without an excess of explanation.  Thich Nhat Hanh is a master of this.  And so I will quote him here, and then go on to discuss the idea, thereby proving - I suppose - that I am not yet a great teacher.

No Mud, No Lotus.

When I first heard this, I loved it so much I bought the T-Shirt.  Really.

I also first understood it to mean something loosely like "You can't have good without bad."  And of course, this is exactly what it means.  But it also means far more than this.  Far more.  And nothing more.  See?  It's already beginning to spiral out of control with cryptic explanations that sound contradictory, but I assure you they are not.

A couple of years ago, after I had been practicing meditation for a year or so, I had an intellectual understanding of what you hear expressed in Buddhism as "Form is Emptiness, Emptiness is Form".  I understood this teaching of how there is no this, without that. How everything is in everything else, and yet it isn't.  Or how, as Thich Nhat Hanh would put it, when you look at a flower deeply you see that the flower is made up only of non-flower elements.  The flower is not a flower.  And yet it is a flower.  If you broke it down, you couldn't find the flower in the flower.  But about this time, I was walking one day for exercise, which doubled as walking meditation for me, when out of nowhere and for no particular reason I can point to, I stopped dead in my tracks staring at the sky like a dummy.

I had been struck, quite suddenly, with a deep insight or understanding BEYOND the intellectual, of what this means.  I can't even begin to explain this.  Better writers and authors than I have tried and not done a great job either.  The best I've read so far, is Brad Warner in his new book "There Is No God, And He Is Always With You."

I'll try feebly, here, to express it...but not too hard.  I simply can't.  I was walking, and practicing a nice teaching by TNH where he says to invite your ancestors (parents) to walk with you.  My Dad was a jazz musician and when I would do this, I would listen for the jazz in nature.  Not the regular sounds, the rhythmic sounds, but the irregular improvisational sounds.  The jazz.  The random dog barks.  The wind gusting.  The little kid screaming at her sibling.  Once I picked up on the music of non-music, I would invite my dad to hold my hand and walk beside me. I was listening for this biological jazz, when it hit me!

Jazz music, or actually all music, was a great way of expressing Form Is Emptiness, Emptiness Is Form.  Without the silence, notes would be noise.  Without the notes, silence would be noise.  Music is silence, silence is music!  Form is Emptiness, Emptiness is Form.

The moment I made this connection, the rest happened.  Like some kind of Hollywood special effect, but that only my mind was aware of (not something I could actually see), it was suddenly like a ripple went out from a stone dropped in a still pool of water.  As that ring expanded away from me, so did my clarity and understanding of No Mud, No Lotus.  Of our TRUE interconnected nature.

It is my direct experience that we are all connected to each other, to everything, everywhere, all at once, infinitely.  That's the most direct way I can say it, and I couldn't  have said that without hours of discussion with my best Kalyanamitra (spiritual friend) Kayla.  Without many dharma discussions in my Sangha.  Without countless podcasts, books and study.  And most recently without Brad Warner's best book to date.

The bottom line: As I stated at the beginning, if you slow down, sit quietly, and turn your focus to your internal experience - MEDITATE - I believe you will likely arrive at this same understanding.  You will likely see sooner or later that we can not afford, as a species, to continue living our lives as if our own endeavors are the only things that matter.  As if we have unlimited resources.  As if we do not need others to help us.  As if "we" are different from "them". As if, as if, as if.

We simply must awaken to this reality of Interbeing....return to our own TRUE experience...and begin living our lives according to the most basic truth of our existence.  That we are not "WE"....we are ONE.  If we do that, there is still hope for this world, and I fully believe that we will.

I hope that at the very least, this writing - feeble as it may be - will encourage you to think about this.  Encourage you to sit, maybe meditate, and to have faith, hope and love in the true nature of life as we know it.  ONENESS.

With the deepest respect for the meaning of the word, I say to you with absolute conviction - Namaste!

I love you,

GB

Did Nikola Tesla Eat Mindfully?

It's been a while since I felt moved to write a post on mindful eating, but this week I had a great visit with one of my favorite Sangha's and enjoyed a great reminder of the value of mindful eating WITH people, AS a Sangha (community).

As I'm coming up on the end of three years since I discovered "Savor" by Dr. Lilian Cheung and Thich Nhat Hanh, mindful eating is a part of my daily life.  I'm far from perfect, and too often find myself wolfing down my lunch because I'm in a rush, or buying a sweet dessert treat when I don't even want one, but these moments are rare indeed, and only ever when I'm not being mindful.  All in all, the 110 pounds I lost has stayed off, and the lifestyle (both around food, and my Buddhist path) have stuck.  Big time.  So I'm very pleased.  I eat mindfully daily but, due to the nature of my job and life, I often eat alone.  Eating mindfully - WITH - a community of other people also observing mindful eating practice, is something I rarely get the opportunity to do.

So, this past week, I found myself once again in the fine company of the Honey Locust Sangha of Omaha, Nebraska.  When I visited them about a year or so ago, I was welcomed warmly and made friends with Mike McMahon who leads the group.  Mike was very willing and helpful to me with advice on how to run a Sangha, and my own Sangha at that time was probably brand new, or perhaps hadn't fully started up yet.  I can't recall.  True to his, and the Honey Locust Sangha's, history they welcomed me warmly in to their group.

By sheer luck I happened to be working in town the week that they had their teacher, Brother Chan Huy, with them from Canada to lead their annual retreat.  The retreat was coming up this weekend (as I write this) and during the week leading up to it they had a public Dharma talk which fell on the night I arrived in town.  That Dharma talk was wonderful, and even gave me a really great insight, or better way of understanding, Emptiness.  I'll save that, perhaps, for another post as it's not related to mindful eating.

Anyhow, on the second night I was in town the Sangha had a Pot Luck Dinner at one member's home.  They graciously invited me to join them and I was so deeply honored, I was beside myself.  Visiting a Sangha's meditation night is one thing, being invited to their private dinner with their teacher is quite another. It's this very quality that makes them so special and which makes Mike such a good example of how to facilitate a Sangha.

I arrived just in time for everyone to plate up and have a seat.  They announced that we would have a 10 minute "Noble Silence" period during which we would eat mindfully, then we would go around and share some discussion (we shared stories from a member who had recently visited and worked with an orphanage in India, stories from the travels and teachings of Brother Chan Huy and his trip to Vietnam, and they kindly asked me to share some about my own Sangha).  A timer was set, a bell invited to ring, and the mindful eating began.

I bowed, and took a moment to breathe in, and out, and check in with my body.  I sat at the end of the table, between the fireplace and the door to the outside deck.  Each was a few feet to either side of me.  A wintry mix had been falling and the deck was rapidly collecting an inch or two.  Taking stock of my body, I felt the cool left side in contrast to the toasty, wonderfully-warm, right side near the fire.  I felt my feet firmly on the floor. I gained that whole-body-at-once sense that one sometimes gets where I could feel everything all at once.  Then I brought my focus to my breathing.  I breathed in and out a few times, and raised my fork.

All of this had taken place in the space of a few moments, and already the present moment awareness was so clear and intense as to be dazzling.  I think I was the only one who brought a dish not home-made, as I was staying in a hotel and had no time or facility for cooking.  I brought a pretty nice Tabbouleh from Whole Foods, and it was good, but lacked that home-made-quality that the other dishes had.  The other dishes were each amazing!  I didn't get to try everything, but I had a spinach salad that was spectacular, some amazing asparagus with roasted potatoes, some sort of delicious tomato soup I think.  And several other items. Each of them were wonderful.

Even with the concentrated effort at slowing my body and mind down before starting, I found I was eating quickly at first.  I slowed more.  I took a bite, placed the fork down, chewed mindfully tasting the flavors of each of these dishes.  Sometimes I was aware of the overall flavor, at other times I was keenly aware of the flavors individually.  I was aware of the textures.  I was aware of all of the elements and human effort that was contained within each bite.  The ten minutes seemed to last for hours, and I mean that in a good way.  Hours of delicious awareness.

I was aware of the room.  The other practitioners eating at their various rhythms.  The sounds in the house.  The sounds from outside, though muffled by the slushy mix, were present.  My favorite part was the ever present contrast of temperatures between the left and right sides of my body due to my fortunate seat by the fire.  There was the low hiss of the fire.  The feeling of the fork in my hand and the fabric of my jeans in the absence of the fork, as I placed my hand on my knee.

All of this, and much more. And it was beautiful.  Over all of that, like the snow covering the deck outside, was a sense of deep gratitude for being invited and welcomed by this lovely Sangha, also a sense of gratitude for this practice that has so altered my life. And, over the top of even those feelings, another feeling that is more difficult to describe.  I can only best describe it as a connecting energy of some sort.  You often get this feeling when you meditate with a group, I think.  I do anyhow.  This energy is one of the many reasons, and certainly - in my mind - the primary one, which makes a true live Sangha so valuable.

There is a quality to mindfulness as a group of human beings, side by side, that creates a sort of feedback loop.  A sort of humanity fueled Tesla Coil, or Resonant Transformer, that electrifies, intensifies and transforms the energy one cultivates on one's own.

"Tesla Coil (Resonant Transformer): the near field wireless transmission of electrical energy between two coils that are tuned to resonate at the same frequency. The equipment to do this is sometimes called a resonant or resonance transformer."

I think, if you wanted to sound just a little sappy, you could label this poorly with a single word.

Love.

Every Body Needs A Second Body

Thich Nhat Hanh often talks about how a monk or nun has a second body.  Another monk or nun they are responsible for helping and keeping track of.  He says just as we must always take care of our own body, help it, love it, care for it when it needs attention....we must also have a second body in the Sangha to watch after and care for as if it were our own.  In this way the monks and nuns of plum village never have to worry that they will go unnoticed or be forgotten when they forget to take care of themselves, or when they need attention and cannot, or don't know how to, ask for it.

The first time I read this I thought "What a beautiful idea!" That's such a sweet and thoughtful thing in a Sangha.

In my own Sangha(s), particularly in the various virtual Sanghas, I quite often see people who,  for one reason or another, will lapse in to some type of shame or depression and then withdraw from the community.  In the simplest terms, it goes like this....they fall in to a depression (sometimes because of a relapse of whatever suffering they live with or just because), they stop posting to social media, they stop texting their friends, they stop chatting and so forth.  The less they chat and communicate with friends, the more they feel bad about themselves.  The more they feel bad about themselves, the more shame they heap on top of themselves.  The more shame they heap on top of themselves, the harder it is for them to re-establish communication because they are afraid of the shame and embarrassment.  Next thing you know, weeks or months have gone by and people start noticing "hey, I haven't seen so and so post in ages, I wonder if they are OK."

In the world of social media such comings and goings are so common and frequent that they aren't noticed that much.   Eventually, the person snaps out of it, if we're lucky, and they suddenly resurface. Things go back to normal.  Until the next time.

When I see these people come back, I often ask what happened.  The answer is always the same, or at least a variation on the theme.  See above.

Not suffering from depression myself, I have always had difficulty understanding it.  But I've seen it happen so often to so many of my dear friends whom I love very much, that it bothers me greatly.  I always want to help.  I want to fix it. But I can't.  The one thing I do know about depression is that there isn't much that I can do for someone who suffers from it.

I've spoken to several teachers about it, and the answer has been pretty much the same every time.  Just be there waiting for them when they return, with open arms and an open heart.  Accepting of them and of what they have gone through.  Don't try to push them to fix it....just show them that you love them and welcome them back.  When they show back up, it means that they are already fixing it.  They've already began the climb out again.  All you have to do....heck, all you CAN do....is show them through your actions that you were there for them the whole time.  Welcome them back to the world, as it is.  Allow them to return and not walk in to the arms of more shame and embarrassment.  Welcome them back to your heart, open and beaming with happiness to have them.  It may seem like inaction on your part, but it's actually the greatest action you can commit on their behalf.  Acceptance.

This is great advice, and really the only option that I know of.  But I think that there is one more thing we can do for one another in these situations,  I think that if we each have a second body, then there would be no being left behind, so to speak.  Take a look at your own Sangha and make sure everyone has a second body.

This isn't new...if you've ever dealt with recovery circles then you now that this sounds a lot like a sponsor.  If you have Joe, Sally, Bob, and Sue in your Sangha then it might look like this:

• You look after Joe
• Joe looks after Sally
• Sally looks after Bob
• Bob looks after Sue
• Sue looks after you.  
• When a new member comes in to the Sangha, Sue shifts to looking after that person and that person starts looking after you.  

In this way, everyone always has someone in the community who knows how they are doing that week or that day.  Knows where they are, what they are going though, how they are feeling.  It's not a difficult task, you just check in on them with a quick call or text now and then and see how they are feeling, catch up,  see how they've been.

When you do this regularly, you will kind of get a feel for whether they are having troubles or not and whether they are being open about it.  Remember that it's not your job to prevent them from having troubles, or to fix them.  It's not your job to do anything at all.  It's your privilege to care about them.  To know when they are having challenges and just be there for them so that they KNOW you are there for them.  And the greatest gift for them will be that you don't judge them for their suffering.

This won't solve the problem.  I don't know that it is a problem that can be solved,  I do know that it's a beautiful practice that can only bring about good in a community.  And it doesn't have to be limited to your Buddhist Sangha....this can be expanded to include all people.  In the end, after all, we are one big Sangha.

_/\_

2012 State of the Samu Address

Previously on MondoSamu.com:

2010: I weighed 349 pounds.  I read "Savor" by Thich Nhat Hanh and Dr. Lilian Cheung.  I surprisingly, and rather effortlessly,  lost 110 pounds in 11 months by applying it's Mindful Eating, Mindful Living principles. Through "Savor" I was introduced to Buddhism.

2011: Having lost 110 pounds, I plateaued at around 240 and have stayed right around there.  I've continued my healthier lifestyle, as well as my Buddhist practice.  I had hoped to get some health matters handled such as getting a full physical, but I have found many excuses to postpone that one.

2012: And now, the rest of the story....

So, while I failed to do a couple of medical/health things I wanted to this year (so far) I'm extremely pleased with how my year has gone regarding my health and practice.  I am disappointed that I didn't blog more, and I apologize for that to those who enjoy reading here.  I'll try to do better this year.

First, in terms of my health - which is kind of the main focus of why I started this blog - let me update you there, as it's the short part of the story.  As I mentioned, I've leveled off and unless I reduce my food, or increase my exercise, I guess I'm done losing weight.  I still have a goal to lost about 20-30 more pounds, and I will definitely be focusing on that this year. (See the end of this article for my intentions for the coming Samu year)  As for me, I feel GREAT, and I'm happier than ever!  So health is doing well, and I WILL get the doctor stuff handled this year.

Now...the biggest thing that happened in the last year, and the reason for me not blogging as much, is the incredible deepening of my practice.  I said I was going to do it, but I had no idea how deep I would get with it!

First off, I used to post book reviews of various Dharma Books here.  I intended to continue that, and I still hope to do so.  The problem is that I got so deep in to reading them that I have read DOZENS, and before I knew it I was so far behind writing about them that I felt I didn't even really know where to begin.  I'll try to rectify that this year too!  They're one of the most helpful things on the blog I think.  So there was that.

Next, there was the plethora of Sangha's I visited in my travels.  I had the great and distinct pleasure of spending many sits in the presence of numerous loving and welcoming Buddhist Sangha's all over the country.  It was humbling, gratifying and helpful.  So helpful, in fact, that I finally launched one in my area!

After nearly a year of effort, I finally got enough people and resources together with a like mind to launch the Two Hands Sangha.  As a part of that Sangha, we have a steady Mindfulness Meditation Group that meets once per week.  It's hosted in the lovely home and garden of one of our members, and has been a great benefit to all involved, I think.  That progresses well.  I still want to have a secondary group, with a more Buddhist focus (as opposed to the more general Mindfulness group) but it will come.

Aside from the Sangha effort, I've also decided to start attending retreats.  I started getting serious about it, and all of a sudden, a couple of options for a 4 day Memorial Day Weekend retreat popped up.  One in the Thich Nhat Hanh tradition and one in the Against The Stream/Theravadan tradition.  I struggled over both as I love the teachings in each, but ultimately my wife prompted me to do the ATS retreat in Joshua Tree, CA when I shared my thoughts with her.

Joshua Tree, CA - ATS Memorial Day Silent Retreat

I was concerned about the extra time a California retreat involves (an extra day on each end for travel) and a few other things, but I explained to her that I wanted to do whichever one would challenge me the most.  After telling her all about it, she wisely (and lovingly) suggested I do the ATS one.  She was right! I'll do a separate post all about that retreat, but it was definitely the right choice.  While I love the Thich Nhat Hanh tradition, I think the effort I had to put in definitely made the ATS retreat more rewarding.  Anyhow, now that I got my feet wet with a 4 day, I've cleared the way to attend a week or so each year.  I'm really looking forward to that.

As a direct result of the retreat, I also FINALLY went full Vegetarian!!  I was lingering in the meat eater world because I couldn't get rid of chicken, but the exquisite vegetarian food and mindful eating on retreat finally gave me the strength and clarity I needed to push the rest of the way over.  I've been veg-only since May 24th!

Last, but certainly not least, I've had the incredible fortune this year to meet some of my Online Dharma friends in the real world and grow closer to that online Sangha.  I hope, in the near future, to write a post all about that Sangha (or #Twangha as I hashtag it on Twitter), but suffice it to say that I deepened my connections to that Sangha and it has had many, varied rewards for me.  This year I was fortunate enough to hang out in the "real world" with the likes of @DharmaApple (who attended the retreat I was on and has turned out to be a great friend), @Jacklope (One of the nicest guys ever, whom I consider a dear brother and friend, and even teacher at times), @MindOnly (a wonderful human being, if ever I've met one) and many, many more.....too many to mention them all here.  But that's been one of the greatest things for me. I've developed these deep, wonderful friendships thoroughly through the Dharma and it's SO rewarding in so many ways.  I'll explore some of that more in my future post on the matter.  In a couple of weeks, I'll be meeting an online Twitter friend who has already become like a sister to me, @KittyDew, and I can't WAIT for that!

I'm sure, after such a lengthy absence, I'm leaving something out, but I think that's enough for now.  SO...

My intentions for the next 12 months or so are:

• Remain vegetarian. 
• Attend a 7-10 day retreat!
• Continue to deepen my practice.
• Establish better personal health care (routine Doctor and Dentist visits)
• Re-Read Savor AGAIN and see if bringing a little focus back on to it will shed that last 20!
• Cultivate two personal, long-range, Dharma-work-related projects in the right livelihood area that I've in mind! (Ooooh, secret-y!)

So that's it.  I hope you'll hang with me in the coming year, as I explore even more!

_/\_

#RealHappiness - Day 27 - Circle of LovingKindness

This one was the only meditation in the book that I found a little alien and uncomfortable. The only reason was this idea of imagining yourself at the enter of a circle of the most loving beings you can think of. I think the first clue that I need to practice in this manner was this uncomfortable feeling. The second was the very telling fact hat I had a hard time thinking of who would form this circle. The first couple were easy. Siddartha Gautama, Thich Nhat Hanh, The Dalai Lama and so on. I added a few other leaders of the world who were known for their compassion. They were easy because there aren't many. Then, I thought I would add some I knew personally. That's when the discomfort returned.

It's very easy to imagine the cheerful smile and goggly glasses of HHTD wishing me well, but when I thought of some of the people closest to me, I didn't think I could imagine them being purely loving toward me. This is disturbing because there are certain people you should be able to automatically count on for unconditional love. Right?!

The first sign of trouble was when my Dad popped to mind but my Mom didn't. I won't divulge the list, in it's final form, here but it was interesting enough that it bears my returning to it later to practice the LovingKindness meditations on the folks who didn't make the cut! ;-)

With my list complete, I settled in and began with breath meditation and some Metta phrases for myself. After a bit, I imagined the people of the circle giving me their full attention and loving regard. Some of those people are some of you reading this now. I envisioned the easiest one first. Sid. Can't imagine him having anything but loving regard for anyone, right?! Then Thich Nhat Hanh, HHTD and so forth.

You choose three or four phrases like the ones we've been using to have these beings offer to you. These should be big, broad phrases in their scope. Then imagine the beings in the circle offering you these phrases with all of their regard and love. I chose these:

May you be free of suffering.

May you be happy.

May you be at ease.

May you be at peace.

May you love and be loved.

The book warns that this may be uncomfortable, but I didn't find it so. Then it says to let whatever emotions arise pass through you without pursuing them. This is a little harder, but still was fairly comfortable for me, perhaps because of my daily practice. Perhaps it would be more difficult if I didn't already have a daily practice in place.

Simply practice this receiving of love from people wishing you love for as long as you like and when you are ready, you end the practice.

With this beautiful and simple practice, I brought the practices provided for the Real Happiness 28 Day Meditation Challenge to a close. Tomorrow I will practice a core sitting meditation while reflecting on the month.

_/\_

#RealHappiness - Day 20 - Meditation on Positive Emotions

Last night, I used the guided meditation Sharon has for week three (Titled: Meditation on Emotions) and then when that ended I spent the rest of my time calling up emotions from something that made me feel good.  She prompts us to get in to a comfortable position and then call up something such as time spent with our kids, or something we are very grateful for, etc.  I chose, as it was fresh on my mind, the positive feelings I got from a compliment a friend gave me recently.

This woman was one of my best friends in High School.  We were very close.  I was always attracted to the kind of person she was.  I always saw her as a very clear and bright soul.  She was just a very good person, deeply.  She had some crazy home life going on back then.  Her Dad appeared to be a very angry person, who turned out to have medical issues behind his behavior.  Many, many years later, they finally figured out what was up with him and got him on medicine that has changed his entire families lives.  But, anyhow, she went through some rough times back then and I was with her through that. I was one of the only guys she was allowed to have around, and I was her friend, brother and confidante. 

We lost touch, making contact only once in over 20 years.  That contact was over 15 years ago!  Then we lost touch, seemingly, for good.  A couple of years ago, she found me through a social media site and we reconnected.  She has an amazing family of her own now, with a talented son and loving husband, and she's grown in to the woman I always saw in her.  She's as awesome as ever.

Well, recently she had a birthday, and I sent her a private message telling her Happy Birthday and let her know how lucky I felt to have her as a friend after all these many years.  It was my way of letting her know how much I still appreciate that old friendship.

She responded by sending me a message telling me much the same.  She complimented me tremendously.  I won't share all that here, but basically she said I was always respectful and good to her and that she's happy to find I'm still that way.  Her response was heartfelt and really moved me, and for a few reasons.  With this fresh on my mind, I meditated on the good feelings about it.

I first called up the feeling from when I read the message, and just enjoyed the emotion of it for a few minutes.  Then I started examining the emotion from a little distance.  I looked at how I responded when I read it, and what feelings arose.  I found, to my surprise, that I was not only pleased by the compliment on a simply straight forward level, but also that I had some previously unnoticed  feelings of pride and shame that came up as well, very very faintly. 

I examined the pride, and why I felt it.  The reason I saw for the pride was fairly obvious.  I felt a little vindicated that I was perceived in such a great way, as though I deserved it and was glad to have it recognized.  Simply put, I saw it as validation.

Next I examined the faint feelings of shame.  These were actually a little more pronounced than the pride and also felt very connected to the pride.  I had to really sit, patiently  and observe the whole thing over a few times in order to identify it, but the shame was coming from the fact that I wasn't so much a gentleman in high school as timid.  It came from the fact that I haven't always lived up to the standard that she sees in me.  I wasn't the bold and assertive type back then, though I certainly am now.  Or, at least I wasn't where girls were concerned.  So every time my mind put forth the idea that I was a gentleman to her in high school, and still today, it also puts forth the notion that I was, and am, to her now but that in High School I certainly wasn't always a gentleman.  It tries to bring up other feelings and situations where I didn't live up to that standard.  It's very faint, but it's there.  Here's the immediate description of the feelings straight from my meditation journal following my sit:

"Heart-space is warm and full with a link to a feeling in my brain.  Another link from the heart-space goes to my throat which tightens.  Happy.  Negative thoughts that I'm not as good or have not always been as good as she sees me.  Overwhelming gratitude."

It was very interesting to experience this.  Even more, it was quite interesting to let this rise and go without attempting to tackle it.  We tend to sort of argue with ourselves all the time.  To correct ourselves and defend ourselves from ourselves.  For example, let's say you go out for a healthy lunch with some co-workers and afterward you're comfortably full and content, but the waiter asks "Anybody save room for dessert?"  And then this conversation might unfold in your mind:

"Ooh, that sounds good!"
"Yeah, but you shouldn't."
"Well, I did eat healthy for lunch…"
"Yeah but that's how you got to be fat in the first place."
"No it's not, I'm just big boned!"
"No you eat too much crap food!"
"No, I come from a big family, I can't help it!"
and so on….

This kind of mental exchange is all the mind, or ego, doing it's thing.  And the mind does it's thing, all day, every day unless you intervene.  This kind of meditation practice allows you to examine that process, without judging any of it, and just start to realize how each side of that conversation makes you feel, and where it all comes from.  Which, ultimately, allows you to let go of this type of thinking entirely.

Thich Nhat Hanh talks about "Watering the seeds".  He talks of how we have good seeds and bad seeds, and the ones you water will grow and bear fruit.  If you let this thinking go unchecked - as most of us do all day every day - then at best, both are watered.  In many cases the bad will grow like weeds and strangle out the good.  So he teaches us to water the good and let the bad seeds lie dormant.

This meditation, which Sharon provides very succinctly in Real Happiness, allows you to identify the good and bad seeds, and start to learn to water the good ones.

Even though I was a little vague on the specifics, this is a very personal post for me.  I hope that it helps you deal with your own mind, and take some of that out in to the world in your daily dealings.  As Sharon says, I hope it helps you:

"Bring this skill of gentle interest, curiosity, and attention to your encounters throughout the day.  Notice pleasurable or positive moments, even those that may be seemingly small."  ~ Sharon Salzberg Real Happiness

_/\_

#RealHappiness - Day 15 - The Benefits Of Practice

Wednesday I practiced walking and sitting meditation.  For my sitting meditation I simply practiced my core meditation and it was as mundane and wonderful as usual.  But, I'd rather tell you about my walking meditation from that day.

It was unseasonably beautiful out on Wednesday in Atlanta.  I took full advantage and made sure I carved out the time for extra walking outside.  I got home, changed and hit the streets of my neighborhood.  I was filled with gratitude for the great weather and neighborhood walk, but I was also extremely happy to be getting back to my routine which has been sporadic lately due to travel and weather.

The subject of enlightenment is one of those strange topics that make people uncomfortable.  Some people brag about having "gotten" it, which tends to make me think they haven't.  Some demur when the subject comes up, which makes me wonder if they have.  And most describe enlightenment as the present moment.  Thich Nhat Hanh has said that enlightenment is simply being present.  He says that "Small enlightenment lead to large enlightenment."  Other teachers I've read and learned from say that enlightenment, or "enlightenment experiences", are when you gain true understanding of something you previously understood only as logic.  That it's all a gradual process of deeper understanding.  Specifically, for this post, I thought of Brad Warner when he talked of what might be considered his own enlightenment experience in "Hardcore Zen".  He said:

"I was walking to work along the Sen-gawa River, just like I did every day, when in an instant everything changed... ...But I can't really recall anything unusual, I was just walking to work."

Well, it was this deeper understanding that hit me like a bolt on Wednesday!  I was walking along, practicing my favorite walking meditation.  I was in the middle of some gratitude sayings, or prayers if you will, about my family when I got to my Dad.  I have this habit of listening to the sounds around me when I think of my Dad.  I listen for the "jazz" in the sounds around me.  The solo, I guess you'd say.  I listen for the part my Dad would be playing if the sounds around me were his band.  There's always something that rises out of it.  It's the lead sounds I'm listening for, never the rhythm.  Not the sirens, or cars, or cicadas.  It's usually the barking dogs, or kids playing or birds singing.  The things that aren't redundant. 

Anyhow, I guess my mind wandered for a second while I was listening for the jazz, when I slowed to a complete stop and stood there with my mouth agape.  Then - and this is where I won't be able to do a very solid job of explaining it - I suddenly gained an insight.  A clear, deep(er?) understanding of Shunyata.  And it came from relating it to music.  I realized that Music is not found in the notes, nor the space between them.  It's both.  Notes are spaces, spaces are notes.  Form is Emptiness, Emptiness if Form.

Now, this doesn't sound like any sort of great revelation and I've logically understood Shunyata (Emptiness) for some time now, but there is a difference between logical understanding and a true, deep understanding.  Most teachers I've read tend to describe "enlightenment moments" as achieving a deeper understanding than a "common logical" understanding on a subject.  They also caution, almost universally, not to get caught up in them and that they are no big deal.  But, as this happened to me, I suddenly gained a true deep understanding of emptiness and interbeing that spiraled through my mind starting with jazz. 

I simply can not explain it better than that, but I guess the shortest way I can try is to say that it was like I had a little idea about how music is a great analogy for Shunyata.  And then from that thought, it was like a doorway cracked open.  I peeked through, and got an even better look at the idea and how it related to Shunyata.  And that was when the door swung wide and I really grasped it all.

Then, as Brad Warner described so well in his book, I walked through the door, and kept going on about my business.  There's really nothing else you can do.

I feel I've done a really terrible job of explaining this.  Almost to the point that I don't feel this was even a worthwhile post.  But, hopefully, someone out there will understand it.  Maybe, with any luck, someone might even benefit from this sub-par explanation.  But most of all, the point of this post is not about Shunyata at all.  It's about Meditation and why a daily meditation practice is so important.  I've been doing this 28 Day Meditation Challenge to help some friends of mine kickstart a daily meditation practice.  When I try to explain to them the benefits of practice, they are so numerous, varied and wide-ranging that it gets hard to explain concisely.  This sort of stair-step deepening of understanding of the Dharma is one of the greatest benefits of meditation.

If anyone out there has any similar experiences, I would really love to hear about them publicly or privately.  Anyone?  Anyone?

#RealHappiness - Day 10 - Stayed Out Too Late #MeditationChallenge

I barely snuck my Day 10 #RealHappiness #MeditationChallenge sit in before it was Day 11! Actually, I started it on the 10th and finished on the 11th! ;)

There's nothing exciting to describe as I ended up doing my core meditation, rather than the one I had planned. Having had a very long day and not starting sit until late at night, I didn't trust myself to meditate while lying down even with my timer!

I'll tell you, however, that a sitting meditation (or likely any sort of relaxing meditation) is a wonderful way to end a long day. I'm certain that I sleep much better having meditated!

I've a busy day today, and then tomorrow is Sangha day! Woot! I'll see you here after my meditation tonight!

And since I stated that I had nothing exciting to describe about my meditation, I leave you with the following Quote by Thich Nhat Hanh.

“Many people think excitement is happiness.... But when you are excited you are not peaceful. True happiness is based on peace.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh, The Art of Power

Gimme Samma Vaca!

I listened to a recent Against The Stream Podcast today (I highly recommend these free podcasts from the Against The Stream Buddhist Meditation Society as a resource of great Dharma Talks - Kick 'em a few bucks if you find it useful for your practice).  The Podcast was one by JoAnna Harper on Right Speech.  Samma-Vaca, I think, if you're keeping track in Pali.

Anyhow, the podcast was great.  JoAnna talks about all the types of wrong speech such as gossip.  She even goes in to things that she personally lumps in to that same category such as eye-rolling, door-slamming and so forth.  I like her talks and, as she's fairly new to it I guess, her down to earth and sincere vibe.  I especially liked that shortly after she pointed out that people need to learn to appreciate the silences and not feel the need to fill every moment with conversation (which she stepped right up and acknowledged that she used to do herself) she then muttered that she had to "keep turning pages" while she looked for something in her notes.  It was a very endearing quality to see her do exactly what she was talking about during the Dharma Talk.

Anyhow, it got me thinking.  Or, more accurately, it focused my lens on what had been running through my mind a lot lately.  I've had numerous situations lately where I've had to practice Right Speech very mindfully or have been keenly aware of the effects of Right (or wrong) Speech.

A couple of decades ago, a guy who was like a brother to me did many things which damaged his family and our brotherhood of friends.  I honestly, very seriously, considered him to be evil.  Evil like the devil, to quote from "So I Married An Axe Murderer".  So for two decades, I carried this fear and hatred around with me, and we never spoke again.  Until recently.  Recently he initiated a reunion, of sorts, and our brotherhood rallied together again in his home town.  I was in to the whole thing mostly to see the other guys I had lost touch with.  Building up to the event, I practiced a lot of loving-kindness meditation, and spent great quantities of meditation time pondering and practicing forgiveness, specifically toward him, so that I could get through the experience.  I fully expected it to go badly, but had hopes that we would at least get through it without drama.

I arrived in town and, after the gang got together, it was immediately obvious to me - let alone everyone else - that we had all lost out on almost two decades of friendship, fellowship and brotherhood because of wrong speech.  Unskillful words, and little else, had caused this.  And a LACK of compassion and a clinging to wrong perceptions, had perpetuated it.  In the end, open hearts and a lot of hugs had erased all the pain and suffering that those words had caused.  We all picked up where we had left off, and the reunion was one of the greatest, most healing weekends of my life.

I've had several other experiences recently that are similar too.  Old friendships that had been lost and rediscovered turned out to have been lost in the first place due to unskillful speech.  Old opportunities were missed because of a lack of using Right Speech.  Current relationships are protected from harm by the judicious use of Right Speech, my care for the latter having been now informed by the lessons taught by the former.  The list goes on.

Credit: Free images from acobox.com 

Thich Nhat Hanh says “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”  This is so very, very true.

Please check out the Dharma Talks mentioned above if you have the time.  Ponder this post.  Consider and meditate on Right Speech.  It's only one aspect of the Eightfold Path, but take the time to practice it and consider it.  Don't let unskilful speech cause you to lose years of relationships, or miss opportunities that could be life altering.  All of that said, I have no regrets.  As I've written recently, I firmly believe that everything is as it should be, but these are all things that you should experience and deal with skilfully for yourself.  I wish you the best, most skillful results of your own Samma Vaca!

_/\_

SavorTheBook.com Interview with MondoSamu.com Part 1

I am extremely pleased and honored to have been interviewed by the great folks over at SavorTheBook.com for a series on my process of losing weight through Mindful Eating, and Mindful Living. 

Please head over there and check it out.  If you like what you see, share it with others.

Thank you for your interest!!

Thank you, Thay!

I started yesterday off giving my daughter a box of 120 crayons (and there is little in life more exciting for a child than that!) and then going for coffee near home.  At the coffee shop she drew pictures for the employees, each of whom always treat her like a princess.  We went home to prepare for her belated birthday party, and while cleaning out the coolers we rescued a little tree frog who spent the day in the bushes outside our house in a meditative pose.

Tremaine, the tree frog, Meditating on life.

We then spent the entire day at the pool for her 5th birthday party.  We had many friends and family around and I spent most of the time in the pool with a handful of 5 year old kids alternately attacking me, then "saving" me, from getting swept away on the "lazy river" tide pool (I guess is what it is).  It was a great day of family and friends and FUN! 

Then I mowed our yard as soon as I got home and we had family story-time before bed.  What a GREAT day!  I'm writing about it because there were two things that were very significant about the day for me.  One was that I was extremely mindful the entire day.  That kind of mindfulness is really wonderful.  To experience it all day, and to be aware of it, was just amazing.  For many, it may sound crazy that I'm even writing about something so utterly mundane.  For some it will make perfect sense.  And for those of us who have lived with obesity, it will sound like a dream.  If you're thinking "So what?!  I am in the present moment with my kids every day and play with them at the pool all the time!" then KEEP AT IT!  Good for you!  Many people live their whole lives without being fully aware of how wonderful it is.  If you're of that obese group, and you've excluded yourself from family fun because of size, self-image or simply lack of energy, then I would urge you to read "Savor" or ANY book by Thich Nhat Hanh.  The simple, clear wisdom he delivers is life altering.  It was for me anyhow. We zip through life so much, so fast.  It is nice, for me, to be learning to slow down, and pay attention. 

The second thing that was so amazing about this day was that 1 year ago, I would have complained all day long about being outside in the 100+ degree heat, would not have budged from beneath the meager shade of the tables umbrella.  I would NEVER have gotten IN the pool.  I would have been mindLESS all day and miserable.  Oh wait...I did....I did exactly that, this time last year.  We had her party at the same pool last year and I was miserable inside, outside and couldn't have been any less so to be around.  Now, one year and 105 pounds later, I'm so different in so many ways, and the day was absolutely amazing! 

And to think...a little bald guy in a robe started all this for me by instructing me to stare at an apple, while eating it mindfully, and see the universe within it.

So thank you Dr. Cheung, for your wisdom.  Thank you Thich Nhat Hanh, and the Buddha before you, for your simple, elegant, eloquent teachings and flicking the switch on in my head!

A Fist Full Of Water

I visited a couple of dear friends last week, for a few days, and I was amazed by how a certain theme seemed to run through the weekend.  What was supposed to be a weekend at a friends house, turned out to be a weekend overflowing with interwoven lessons all tied together with a common Dharma theme.  It was a little odd, and yet not at all odd, and it really effected me greatly.  I thought I might share a little about it here.

These friends are both Christians, though each follows a different path to their connection to the "Kingdom of God".  They also have kids.  They've chosen to provide their kids with a foundation in their Faith, but that has turned out to be a real challenge for one of them.  Without getting in to it too openly in this public forum, suffice it to say that they are at odds over this to a degree and want to resolve it, but have been struggling.  It doesn't matter why, the point is that they have this struggle and it's not getting resolved.

Add to that, a few other challenges.  We have a mutual friend who's lost in life and is creating challenges for himself and others due to his own dukkha.  We discussed work related problems that my friend is facing.  We discussed all manner of things.

The thing that struck me as so interesting, and compelling, about all this is that early on in the weekend we were discussing some people we know who are addicts.  In discussing how they've found God through recovery but now just seem to struggle with addiction to God, my friend mentioned how these folks we were discussing get caught up in their "White Light Experiences" where they "See God" and then spend their lives clinging to and chasing that.  He speaks with authority on the subject, I'll leave it at that.

We talked about how they seem to lose themselves in their religion rather than getting the point of it.  His point was that a lot of new Christians come to the religion in their lowest times, and they have some sort of religious experience (such as "seeing God") and then they spend the rest of their lives - or until they eventually "get it" - trying to cling to that experience.  Since we were talking specifically about addicts who find religion at the time, I agreed and said that I see the same thing in Buddhism.  I see a lot of Buddhists who experience an "enlightenment" moment, and then spend years trying to get back to that in their practice.  I said that they "have that moment, and then grasp and squeeze it" (this was how I conveyed attachment to him) until it runs through their hands like water, rather than cultivating the conditions for those moments to happen more often and learning from them when they do.

This theme, whether regarding addicts or workers or marriage, recurred over and over throughout the weekend, and in to the following week.  Each of these things that came up, ended with the realization that the person in question (sometimes one of us) was squeezing a moment of clarity rather than being present in that moment and learning from it.

I had the great pleasure of spending time with each of my friends individually over the course of the weekend, and was able to practice deep listening with them both.  Through that, and some mindful walking with them, I was able to witness my friends wife express her challenge verbally and openly and arrive at a solution which she credited me for helping her to see.  I didn't really do much, except listen and give her back what she had said to me, but in a slightly different way.  My advice essentially amounted to "You already know what you believe, you just need to stay connected to that in this situation instead of going in to it as if you are looking for what you already have!"

It was so beautiful and I felt privileged to be a part of this process for her. It remains to be seen if the solution will be effective, but at least when I left them they were both aware that they are aiming at the same target and had a new way of trying to work together to get there. Initially they were at a complete disconnect, feeling they were travelling in different directions.  When I left, mostly through deep listening, they were talking openly to each other about the matter and felt very connected.  Amazing.

Since I returned, we've spoken some more about the other issues that came up during the stay regarding some of our mutual friends and the challenges they face.  Also about the challenges those friends challenges are causing the two of us!  And again this theme of squeezing to tightly to what we want came up.  Both that we are grasping tightly to the outcome we want for our project, squeezing tightly to the idea of our friend as he once was rather than as he is now and to our desire for things to be other than they are seeming to be.

I guess all of this is really just a long winded way of saying that I was greatly enriched by watching the Dharma unfold over the last week, and being able to be keenly aware of suffering, of attachments and how they cause said suffering, and that letting go of those attachments leads to the cessation of that suffering.  It happens like this all around us, all the time.  It was a treasure to be so awake to it!

I feel as though I've only rambled here and not expressed my thoughts well, but I hope they've been of some use for you.  This quote from Thich Nhat Hanh came to mind often over the weekend as I thought of the interconnected nature of all these things:

"Enlightenment, for a wave in the ocean, is the moment the wave realizes it is water."

Five Spare Tires

(I apologize in advance for the crazy length of this post.  I've written and re-written it many times.  I've been struggling to write it and to express what I have to say.  Ultimately, I made the decision tonight to just put it up and be done with it.  I'm sorry it's so much, but it's my great hope that someone out there will find it motivational and that it will encourage them to find their way.  If you're that person, looking for a way, then read on!)

You ever try to visualize what weighs the amount of weight you have lost, or want to lose?  For most folks it would be a small hand weight.  Maybe a good sized bag of dog food.  Here's a short list of items that weigh the same as how much I have lost.  Try to visualize these things, and carrying them around with you, in your head.

~ ONE WHOLE FRIEND OF MINE!
~ THREE of my four year old daughter.
~ FIVE 20 pound bags of Dog Food.
~ FIVE SPARE CAR TIRES!!!
~ TWENTY average bags of potatoes!

 You get the idea.  It's a LOT!  I don't point this out to pat myself on the back, but to illustrate how CRAZY it is that I was walking around with all that extra weight!  It's easy to look in the mirror and just see your "self".  But I promise you that if you look in the mirror while standing next to a stack of five car tires, it really drives it home what you are doing to your body!!!

On July 3rd, 2010, I stepped on the scale as I left the house for a vacation.  I was dismayed by the digits it reported.  THREE HUNDRED FORTY NINE POUNDS!  You can read all about that day by clicking here.  I'm not sure exactly when during this day I vowed to do something about my weight, but I did.  I swore I would never hit 350 pounds.  That's when I discovered "Savor" by Dr. Lilian Cheung and Thich Nhat Hanh.

By the time I finished reading "Savor" I had stopped the train, and thrown it in to reverse.  That train had been gathering momentum for over four decades, so it didn't happen instantly.  It slowed.  It stopped.  It switched gears.  And then, with a shudder, it lurched ahead, back the way it came.  The weight started coming off that first day.
My initial goal, to lose 100 pounds, was randomly chosen just based on one simple thing.  I asked myself what it would take to make me feel like I had a fighting chance of living a healthy life.  At 349 pounds, 249 sounded like a dream, but it also sounded like the most I could weigh if I wanted to live long enough to enjoy my family, watch my daughter grow up, and all the other things I would like to do.  Anything more felt like failure to me, and felt like not being serious about it.  ALL I was really after was survival, which at the time I was seriously starting to question my chances of.

I've blogged before, often, about the various tools I have used to lose weight and assist me on this journey.  The primary app I have used is LoseIt!  When I started using it, it asks if you want to lose 1 pound a week, or 2.  I chose 2 and it calculated that I would hit my goal in one year. Unfortunately, I didn't make a note of what day that would be.  I've always assumed my "start" date as July 3rd, when I saw my 349 pound weight.  In reality it was around July 23 from what I can tell in LoseIt!'s web site.

At first, the weight was coming off incredibly fast at several pounds per week.  Then, once I lost about 60 pounds or so, it slowed to a few pounds, and then a couple of pounds per week.  Ultimately, toward the end, there were some weeks where I didn't lose any at all, and I started wondering if I would hit the goal on time.  What was happening is that my goal was nearing the end, so the calories were pretty
well balanced out with what I was burning.  Ultimately, it took me about 11 months - almost precisely - to lose 100 pounds!  I can't even pretend not to be pleased with myself here, so forgive me that little self indulgent pat on the back now.

So here I am, at about 248 as I write this, and I am definitely still very much over weight for my size.  Don't get me wrong, I look and feel GREAT compared to where I started but I still need to shed a little more.  When considering future goals, I decided not to have any.  What I have found is that throughout this process, I have lost weight without much effort (more on that later).  Since I'm not on a diet, and I'm not doing anything specifically special to lose weight, I decided that I might as well just keep going with what I am doing.  The weight has already leveled off considerably, and I figure if I just keep up the efforts I am making, the weight will come off - or it won't.  Either way, I win.  At some point my body will be at a naturally comfortable weight, and meanwhile I can focus on starting to exercise a little more than my current walking and Tai Chi Routine.

People seem divided in to two camps immediately upon hearing that I have lost so much weight. One faction immediately assumes I'm on some crazy diet.  They can't believe when I tell them I eat whatever I feel like eating, that I finish every night off with a big bowl of frozen yogurt and that I'm NOT on any sort of diet, per se.  The other faction is of the mind that I have super-human strength and will-power, neither of which could be further from the truth.  When they say "yeah, but you're the most strong-willed person I know" or "you have such tremendous dedication" I always have weird reactions emotionally.  I get simultaneously insulted and proud.  Proud, because it feels good to hear this and I like to think it's a little true, although it's really not very true.  Insulted because it's so NOT true that I get a little offended I guess because I'm not getting credit for the proper thing.  They are crediting me with having the will-power to resist eating poorly, but they should be giving the credit to Mindfulness.

When I tell them "Mindfulness", in answer to their inevitable "How are you doing it?" question, they always look at me a little funny and immediately dismiss me as a crackpot, or so it seems to me.  They almost look like they think I'm about to sell them something.  In fact, that's EXACTLY what they think.  Bottom line though, I lost this weight by doing many things, but especially by being mindful as taught to me by Dr. Lilian Cheung and Thich Nhat Hanh in "Savor".

The secondary thing I credit my success to is watching my calories closely which can be done in any number of ways.  The way that worked best for me (and I tried MANY) was the LoseIt! app.  It's worth noting that the app improved massively over time, and especially improved it's web site over time.  The web site can be used FULLY without a phone, so it's really great now for anyone (not just us iOS users). I fully believe that if you use mindfulness, the rest will fall in to place naturally and organically with little to no effort.  The effort will come from trying to implement mindfulness which, to the degree that I have so far been mindful, was fairly easy for me.  When asked, I tell people (to their absolute and utter disbelief) that it was no effort at all.  My standard answer to "How did you do it?" is always the same - "Mindfulness".

While I am not a doctor, and have no authority with which to offer anyone advice on weight loss, I CAN speak to how it worked for me, and that is it.  One of the things I love about Buddhism is that it discourages you from believing what someone else tells you is true, and encourages you to experience it for yourself and then decide if it is true.  "Be a lamp unto yourselves", the Buddha allegedly said in his final moments, directing us to seek the knowledge from within, rather than from external sources.  Or, for you Christian readers, perhaps another way to say it is "The Kingdom of God is within".  Either way...try mindfulness out, and see if it works for you.

It's obvious (and if not I've written numerous blog posts about it that will explain) why I decided to lose this weight.  But what I would rather talk about is the not so obvious reasons why.  I'm grateful that I have lost this weight because:

~ I might live longer
~ I have already become a significantly better father.
~ I like to think I am a better husband.
~ I have confronted the one thing in life I've always felt powerless to defeat.
~ I have gained control over my eating habits.
~ Countless other reasons I can't begin to list.
~ I am more aware of life, and each moment it offers.
~ Perhaps most of all, I'm extremely grateful to have discovered Buddhism through this most unexpected of paths.

So, in summary, Please - If you want or need to lose weight, but think you can't do it - go get a copy of "Savor" and, well, SAVOR IT!  Read it, absorb the information, read it again.  Then just DO IT!  Start with the Apple Meditation and then repeat that type of mindful eating each time you sit down to eat.  You will not succeed every single time at being completely in the moment, but when you are not, just re-focus the next time.  And repeat.  And repeat.  And repeat!  Before you know it, you will be well on your way.

Savor every moment of life that you are fortunate enough to have.  If you do this, I am walking evidence that you WILL lose the weight, and it's NOT some impossible goal that only that other guy over there has figured out how to do because he's some super strong willed guy.  And it's not something that only that other girl over there can do because she's on some crazy fad diet.

But don't take my word for it.  YOU already know exactly what to do, you just have to be mindful so that you know when to get out of your own way, and let your brain and body take care of themselves properly!  You'll likely find that they will.

Best wishes and warm regards to you in your efforts!  And special thanks to all the folks who rooted for me!  It was a big help, and you know who you are!

MS

Lose 100 Pounds In One Year - CHECK!

I'll write at length about this, very shortly, but wanted to announce it right away.  About a week ago I saw the numbers "249" on my scale for the first time in many years.  This is different from 349 when I started!  Anyhow, I gave it a week to make sure and I'm happy to say I haven't gone up and I'm not dreaming.  I really have lost ONE HUNDRED POUNDS!

Again, I'll write about my thoughts and experiences with this, but just wanted to say it here!

Have a GREAT day!

MS

A Recipe For Life?

I'm sitting in a bookstore, drinking coffee and reading "Friends On The Path" by Thich Nhat Hanh.  Just this, already makes me very happy and content.  But I ran across this recitation that Thay uses at Plum Village:

I am aware that the Three Gems are within my heart. 
I vow to realize them. 
I vow to practice mindful breathing and smiling,  
looking deeply into things. 
I vow to understand living beings and their suffering, 
to cultivate compassion and loving kindness, 
and to practice joy and equanimity. 
I vow to offer to joy to one person in the morning 
and to help relieve the grief of one person in the afternoon. 
I vow to live simply and sanely, 
content with just few possessions, 
and to keep my body healthy. 
I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety, 
in order to be light and free.

How cool is that?  Reading this, I felt it.  It was like a very deep, but brief, meditation.  A great addition to a practitioners day, and an all around great recipe for a good life.  I love things like this where I feel like if anyone were to ask me what Buddhism is about I could tell them this and feel that I gave them a solid, clear answer.

_/\_

MondoSAMU, Now With More Samu & 26% Less Fat!

I have not been writing as much as I would like lately. There are a number of reasons for this, but primarily it has been my deeper exploration of the Buddhist path.  Since starting this weight loss process, when I read "Savor", I have taken quite an interest in the Buddhist aspect of it, and I have grown in that area steadily.  In fact, I would say that the weight loss has taken a back seat to the exploration of Buddhism in the  last several months as I slowly realized that the weight loss was a simple and natural by-product of my mindfulness and Buddhist efforts.  At the time of my post, some months ago, about my visit to the Dallas meditation center, I saw that I was at a critical juncture in the Buddhist aspect of my journey. 

That experience solidified a number of thoughts I'd been pondering such as my feelings about meditation and how beneficial I thought that it might be for me and my thoughts on Buddhism as it fits in to my life.  Most of all, I now had to decide what tradition of Buddhism I was interested in pursuing, if any. 

With those things solidified, new questions unfolded before me.  To assist with these, I really dove in to reading a lot of books, listening to a lot of audio books and podcasts, and talking with as many other Buddhists as I have been able to.  I also continued trying to find Buddhist groups that I could visit with to see which appealed to me.  When I was last at the Dallas meditation center, brother ChiSing suggested that I do this, and it has been excellent advice.  Specifically, he said that I wouldn't find anything exactly like the DMC but that there would be numerous similar groups and that I should try them all until one felt comfortable.

I'm still in the process of doing so, but it's becoming clear to me that I will ultimately need to try and get a Sangha started in my area if I want a group close to home.  But that's another story.  And a story I am working on!

So, I guess the reason I am writing today is that I feel like I have an overwhelming amount of things to share, and I am hoping to get back to writing here more often.  Due to my submersion in reading, I have tons of experiences and books to review.  Appropriately, I am writing this post as I am 38,000 feet in the air, heading to Dallas, where I expect to visit the DMC again and sit with them.  I'm sure I will write about that experience again as well.

One of the reasons I started this blog was to share my experiences, but at least equal to that was the goal of any readers sharing their thoughts and experiences with me as well.  So it is my hope that anyone reading this will chime in and share their stories, questions and advice as well.  Here's just a few of the things I am exploring at the moment.  Any feedback or suggestion is most welcome.

- What has been your experience finding a Sangha near you?
- If you didn't have one close to home, how have you dealt with that?
- What tradition do you follow, if any, and why?
- How do you use technology and the Internet in your practice?

Lastly, I'd like to share two more things.  Today, I stepped on the scale before leaving for the airport (exactly as I did 10 months ago) and found that I have officially lost 90 pounds of my 100 pound goal so far!  Also, Happy Mothers day to all of the Moms out there!

Be well,
MS

Savor the BOOK!

Last night I did my usual three miles of walking meditation.  When I had finished my usual meditative musings, I turned my thoughts toward an issue that has been on my mind lately.

Maintaining Mindfulness.

I have been very fortunate to have had an extraordinarily easy time losing my weight so far.  There's been a few challenges along the way, but all VERY minor.  The hardest time I have had has been recent.  I had a week long stretch where life simply demanded my time elsewhere and I was not able to do my Tai Chi in the mornings, or my walking at night for almost a solid week.  As those fell away, so did my drive to wake up and meditate in the four o'clock hour every day.  By the end of the week, I found myself struggling to get back in the swing of things.  But I am fully aware that this sounds very whiny when weight loss can be so incredibly difficult for us.  I know, I've been there...my whole life.  BUT, as it has been so easy for me this year, this minor challenge has been a little tough.  Tough enough, at least, that it got me thinking about just exactly "Why HAVE I had it so easy?"  And just exactly "Why IS it hard right now?"

That's when it came to me.  And, once again, I have Thich Nhat Hanh and Dr. Lilian Cheung - as well as their book "Savor" - to thank for it!  The answer was in front of me every time I logged in to Twitter and saw "@SAVOR_the_book" or went to the web site for the Savor Sangha which is www.SavorTheBook.com.  The answer couldn't have been more perfect, if they had crafted it intentionally.  The answer was:

"Savor...the...BOOK!"

Instead of reading the book through, and then forgetting about it.  I recommend that you read it more than once.  Truly savor it!  Over and over again.  Or at least make highlights and notes and re-read those randomly.  Heck, if you do nothing except read "Chapter Two: Are you really appreciating the apple?" before your meals, I think you'll be reminded to be mindful while eating.  (This apple meditation has proven extremely powerful for me personally.)

I will definitely be revisiting my highlighted passages on my iPad regularly.   And, while on that subject, let me just say that the eBook version on an eReader is THE way to go for something like this.  You can gain instant access to exactly the quote or passage that you want, as well as your notes on that passage.  iBooks is kind of made for this.

Anyhow, I really loved this little bit of insight.  It made me smile, and it made perfect sense.  I'll let you know if it helps me maintain my mindfulness.  As for my week off, and subsequent struggles to get back in gear, it seems to have passed.  I'm back to eating healthier than ever, exercising daily and getting my weight moving again.  I am down 82 pounds as of today!

Are you having any struggles or issues, big or small, in sticking to your plan?  What are you doing about it?

MS